Charades are for the theater, let's leave the play on the scene

I went to a great seminar today. It gave me much more than I had expected and in a totally different way.

It was all about being who you are in a world of charades. When everybody else is playing something they are not, the way to stand out is to be one's true self.

I buy it. I believe it.

It was also about helping others be who they truly are. By helping others, even those you compete with, will make you stronger and greater. In a way it is a very humane way of thinking.

It was all about the business world. A traditionally cold world. The thought of being able to soften it - and for it to be allowed - triggers me in some way. I do not believe in the coldness of any world, including the business one. Charades are for the theater, let's leave the play on the scene.

So how about it? Are we brave enough to be ourselves, even in the harsh world of business life? Are we certain enough to leave our masks behind? After all, take a look around you. A soft spot in the boardroom could stand out in a positive way.

We modify life as we live it

It is all in the will to grow, right? Obstacles will show their face and life will hit us, some harder than others. What is the true meaning of life, if not doing ones best to evolve, grow, learn? The path that is behind us has its impact on the one ahead, but it does not define it. With every step taken there is a chance to choose the direction of where we want life to take us. We modify life as we live it. Trace the path of the past and choose where you want it to lead. It is truly in our hands.

What happened between now and then

I never knew it could be this easy
And I still struggle with believing
As I rest my head on your arm
and watch you slowly wake up
You turn your head and open your eyes
I watch them light up
and I watch you smile.

What happened between now and then
I cannot say.
Suddenly so many things seem light years away.
Suddenly it is all right. The pieces have fallen into their place.
The pain is gone and as I try to remember how it made me feel - I can't.
It is gone, gone, gone. (And I feel, you will never let it return.)

All the love I carry within, it has had to make room for more of it.
A great space is filled by my love for you. I never knew.
Easy. Yes, that is the word for it.
When it feels it always was and it always will be.
When my head rests on your arm as it always would have.
When I feel I know your smile from ages ago.

Did we walk this path before? Were you always by my side?

It surely cannot be about winning Trivial Pursuit

I have started seeing things clearly again. I feel I again have entered some kind of state that allows me to see what's behind the corner. I like it, it feels good. At the same time it's disturbing. What am I supposed to do with that skill?

It has started again like it often does. I suddenly see things in front of me, even though they are about to happen. Or I see what's written on the next page before turning it. It does come quite handy, it allows me to win Trivial Pursuit. However. That cannot be the reason behind it.

I guess many of us would like to be able to say, this is what I'm supposed to do with my life, this is the skill set I was given and that is the reason for it. But it oftentimes is not that simple. I'd like to believe that it is enough to do one's best, to be a good fellow human-being, a good friend, a mother, a father, a sister or brother. A kind neighbor, a friendly co-worker. But the thought leaves me feeling a bit empty. What about these skills that turn up every now and then? It surely cannot be about winning Trivial Pursuit.

Only by closing our eyes

Isn't it strange
How pieces fall into their place
When everything else is falling
apart.
You feel safe
(I never knew I wanted that)
as I wrap myself around you
warming you
as much as myself.
Isn't it strange
How things suddenly feel so right?
(I dreamed of you last night)
You make me believe
that we often get what we need
Instead of what we thought we wanted.
I never knew about wanting you
And that is the point, I believe.
Sometimes we are better off
just by letting life take its course.
Only by closing our eyes
life will teach us how to see.

Happiness

Love
(Yes, it is easy.)
Autumn leaves
(Why is it colour makes me smile?)
My new sofa
(Green and soft. Beautiful. Perfect for lazy Sundays.)
A nice cup of espresso when it's still dark outside
(Yes, and I don't even care for the company, me and my coffee will be enough.)
Friends
(I love you all.)
Memories
(Many of them connected with love. No wonder they make me happy.)
Music
(It fills me up and it puts me in motion.)
A sudden text message from someone I love
(Isn't that the nicest little sign saying "I just thought of you for no particular reason".)
Poetry
(There is so much magic in poetry. Reading it, writing it. A poets heart is the happiest when suffering.)
Warm socks when it's cold outside
(It makes me feel loved, isn't that strange?)
Silence falling between us
(I know. It just feels so beautiful sometimes. All the things our minds and hearts can fill those gaps with? Souls speaking to each other while no-one says a word.)
making room for more memories
Travelling
(Opening mind and heart for new experiences, it is equal to love for life.)
Strangers
(Yes, they are the same. It is wonderful to fall in love, for mere seconds, with the people passing in the streets.)
Laughter
(Yes. Laugh again.)
A warm paw on my face
(Love at its best, unconditionally.)
Dancing
(For letting my soul run free!)
Movement
(Yes. Don't stop.)
Smiles
(By anyone. It is magic.)
Waking up next to you
(I guess it has to do with love, but also with sharing. Almost like being let in on a secret. Watching you sleep for a while,)
Rain
(Beautiful.)
Waves
(Making me dream.)
Photographs
(Memories.)

(So many things, small in themselves, growing bigger, though. It all leads back to love. Love for people, life, you. Faith in tomorrow. Anticipation. Not knowing.)

Music

So much great music right now out there. Yesterday I got myself a nice dose of a mixture of ambiance-jazz-rap. I'm telling you, works like medicine for any given state of mind.

I have passed the junction and now i feel someone pushed the fast-forward. Sometimes it takes years for the lock to open, but when it does, change may come in one night.

For me it all started in June when I changed jobs. Suddenly everything that had been at a standstill for years opened up and started twirling me around. I just let go and was pushed forward by the flow of life. It happens, you know. And all it takes is some faith and courage to once in a while raise your hands and say: Take me where you want me to go.

Here's Redrama with one of his excellent works of art, Music.

I find myself at a junction

I'm usually the one who falls asleep the second I rest my head on the pillow. This week I have tossed and turned two nights. Why? I'm not sure. I just know that the thoughts in my mind won't stop shooting around like there would be a bunch of bees in there between my ears. I hope tonight will be better.

I guess I am at a point where things are at a standstill just before everything goes off and an explosion changes everything. I can feel it. I just need to stay where I am and see, whether it tips over to one side or the other. I won't move, I won't hardly even breath. I guess that is why my mind can't find peace, as I find myself at a junction.

It's strange how we so often sense these things. I approach the situation with the same mentality as very often in other situations, I take a step back, look at the view and go with the flow. I believe firmly that when we let go, when we close our eyes and let go, that's when destiny grabs hold of us and pushes us in the direction we are supposed to move. It might bring joy, it might bring suffering, but it also will be one of the turns we were supposed to take, and later on we will see it all as clearly as ever, it all made sense.

Well if we're lucky, that is. Mickey, a taxi driver I talked to in Thailand a couple of years ago, had the best recipe for how to deal with life. "We cannot know what life will bring us, we can only try to do good things, and good things will come back to us."

Say it. I'm listening.

I never forgot
How could I have?
They all stayed. All those things that were there. They still are.
A lot of waves have rolled in
A lot of me has rolled out to the sea
A lot of you.
Still it is all there. Me. You.

It was never nothing.
Instead it always was something. Something able to shake. Move.
Yes. A lot has changed and so have we.
All it ever took was the ability to see
That things - even though different - were unchanged
That the difference between then and now
Could be uttered in a word.
Say it. I'm listening.

Sometimes it all is so clear. When everything is in place it might be hard to believe. That nothing is missing.
Things are moving. And sometimes the world around us seems to move faster than we are. Should we hurry? Should we wait? Will the moment pass? Will it be out of place? Will it be too late?
Life won't wait but hearts will. Love will. You'll see.

It takes a brave man to jump. It takes a bold woman to fall. Well we don't need no parachutes.

Setting goals

This fall I have seen a few goals be reached. Wow. It's almost like I had thought they never would? Now I am standing here with two empty hands, hands yelling "Fill us up, give us something new!".

One of the goals I reached was one that I have been carrying inside me for as long as I can remember. I finished and sent a manuscript to a publishing house. In many ways, it was a partial goal that I reached, since that in no way means I will get it published. But still it felt like raising a child and seeing it move on, seeing it start its on life. Now I'm waiting to see, what kind of a life that child will manage to create for itself.

It is important to have goals and it is, I believe, what makes us go further, what makes us make them happen. So I often write them in my calendar or diary. I choose a date and I say "by this time I will have finished or done this and that". They don't need to be huge things, I for example cannot write a book twice a year, but smaller things as well, things that will make us happy. My goals for this year were to book myself a vacation - which I did, and Vietnam gave me all I wished for and beyond - to find myself a new job - and here I am, loving every day because I get to wake up and go to the office where I have found myself truly happy - to finish my manuscript for the book. Things happen when we write them down. That's when the spin is created.

And a side-note:
My calendar is the Courage one by Paulo Coelho. Today I read a passage from it, saying that "Yesterday's pain is the warrior's strength", that is from the Manual of Warrior of light. Yes, isn't that a great thought? I love that thought as it states that all of as can be strong by letting ourselves be fortified by the pain we've felt.

Lots of love and strength to all of you, let's make things happen!

when I start checking the boxes

This summer I've been realizing things. A season of realization. I've felt moments of clarity, when my own actions and the reasons behind them suddenly have been truly clear to me. It's always strange to notice, how one can trick oneself into things, with totally different premises than one would think. But it does good to see those things. It helps one to learn about oneself.

I've also noticed something this summer. I've noticed that the more things we make happen ourselves, the faster the things around us will move. When waiting for things to happen, they never do, that is something we all can agree on, right? When deciding for ourselves that we won't sit and wait, life will start catching speed around us. I feel like being inside a whirlwind right now. And it is moving faster and faster. I've started it. I pushed the button myself by deciding I won't wait. Life can be at a standstill and boring, I don't care, because I'm in motion.

What do I need to be happy? Love, friends, family and a passion for what I do. Love - well yes I do love, so that is enough, isn't it? As long as I keep blowing love into life I will be happy. Come love back at me or not. Friends - so many of them and as many of them so close to my heart. It makes me so happy to see them joyful, content. I am lucky when it comes to the people in my life. I feel I hit the jackpot. Somebody must be smiling at me from above. Family - yes, please let it stay safe and happy. Having them close to the heart helps when they are far away. Passion. That is as easy as love. It is what makes me get up in the morning and it is what makes me feel strong and capable. Because when there is a flow of passion it is all clear. No questions to be answered, no uncertainties. I follow the line that my heart has already painted. Easy.

Here I am. Happy and content. And when I start checking the boxes, there is not much that has happened around me, but within me. And with all the energy oozing through my skin, through my mouth, from my fingers - I feel love has guided me again. I feel I can't go wrong as long as I have it filling my heart, lighting my soul.

Do you have a destination?

Destination:
1. the predetermined end of a journey or voyage

2. the ultimate end or purpose for which something is created or a person is destined
(The Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia)

A few days ago I was making my way out from a train station, a long way from where I am now.
When I was about to cross the road outside the station building, I was stopped by an old man.

"Do you have a destination?" he asked me.
I wasn't sure what he meant. I was AT my destination, leaving the train station, not entering it.
"Excuse me?" I said.
"Do you have a destination?" the man said again.
"I'm sorry, i don't know what you mean." I didn't, and I walked away.
It hit me later on. Maybe he asked me about my destination in life, maybe it was only me who immediately connected the question to the travel I had done. And it left me thinking. Did I have a destination? Do I?

I'm not sure. I want to live my life trying to be as a good of a person as possible. I share my love that is often over-flowing, I try to be kind, just, helpful. And I kind of have always thought these things will in the end, give me a good life and a happy one. That I will feel fulfilled. So what do I need a destination for? Maybe I do. Maybe that was the point.

Everything is illuminated

Always when in Italy, I am put against the same problem: Which books to buy, when luggage is limited and there are billions of great, cheap books all around you. Italians know how to set the price for a book. I am like a kid in a candystore when in Italy. All over the place there are bookstores and bookstores and bookstores, filled with the most marvelous treasures!

Today I left one of those stores with two books in my hand. I had, as very often these past days, spent the morning shopping around in one of them. The burning sun outside wasn't enough for me to leave the freshness of the store and it's many-coloured "lecca leccas" (lollipops) - books that is. Very pleased with my purchases I felt the Italian version of Jonathan Safran Foer's Everything is illuminated and as well the Italian version of Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage (O diário de um mago) burning in my hands. Ogni cosa è Illuminato and Il cammino di Santiago.

The first one I had to get - it is, by far, one of the best books ever written and not a second will be wasted when reading it, instead, it will open your soul and it will let the magic find its way inside. The second one I have, oddly enough, never read. But as I got the special edition of the book, the covers will match the calendars of 2009 and 2010 as well as the book "Love" with graphics by Catalina Estrada. (Please have a look at Catalina's website, showing her beautiful style.)

Yes, it was a good day.

Pics of the day

The best thing with being on a vacation is that the level of inspiration always goes up. Here are some pics from yesterday.

No good with faces

Jack --
Do you remember when all magic required, was to suddenly hear you sing on the radio?
I always felt so blessed, even knowing,
that I could have picked up the album from the pile on my stereo
and listened to those same songs.
Any time.
I always found a song to go
with my mood swings, rising up, going down.
There were you. Singing those words that I needed you to.
Jack --
Something happened and it left me
gasping for air for a few moments.
Maybe you grew up, or maybe it was me.
Maybe we both did?
Or maybe you moving on
to more ordinary things
didn't match my mood swings.
No more.
And as I turned up the volume
to better grasp your lyrics
I was left in what felt like a silly space
between then and now.
I felt the magic return
I felt the magic return
No good with faces and I'm bad with names.
One single line could have done it for me, but it continued,
leading me further down the road
that we walked so many times
contemplating life.
Jack --
Let's not be afraid of our reflections.
I knew you would return, if not for long,
then even for the length of one song.

It is easier to be brave, when not afraid

One of the first stories my parents read to me was Who will comfort Toffle? by Tove Jansson. Little Toffle, who was afraid of the world outside, but too afraid of being alone to have the courage to stay inside. Leaving his home to encounter the world, but again feeling too shy to make new friends. But sometimes it doesn't require more than a a scared Toffle to be the brave one for someone else. It was a story that made me feel a bit scared, a bit sad, and finally, happy. It was all about being brave, even though inside you're scared. Strangely enough, that is the theme I've been stumbling upon during the last few days. It is not matched by the feelings inside of me, so it leaves me puzzled, for now.

So a few days ago I bought a card (Yes, a Moomin one) saying "It certainly is easier to be brave, when not afraid".
I instantly thought of those people in my life that always seem so brave. Grabbing all bulls by their horns, without a shadow of a doubt. I am not like that. At least not consequently so.

I must admit, I sometimes fake it when I'm too afraid to be as brave as the situation requires. I make believe I am somebody else, somebody I know would be brave. It makes it a bit easier. It makes it easier to forget about being afraid and instead opening up for being more brave.

On the other hand. Toffle was so afraid, yet when meeting somebody even more afraid, he seemed very brave in comparison. From zero to hero, just by changing the point of view. And I bet that made Toffle a bit more brave, a bit less afraid, in the end.

I feel joy by just looking at you, he said

I feel joy by just looking at you, he said
and seemed genuinely glad
He already imagined dance floors
Where we would have our twirl.
Let's have a chat,
I'm sad it's been so long
So we checked our calendars and agreed
to catch up as weekend dawned.

Next thing I know
I see him out in the rain.
Lifting a cigarette to his mouth,
letting the umbrella spin.
The rain hit hard on the streets
as I ran closer in four inch heels
I lifted my hand to greet him
as the car pulled in.
Oh, he said, it's my girlfriend
and pointed at the car
I was left baffled,
Too good we never got that far.

I already can hear my mother say
He had no clue what was good for him anyway
Twisting between exes and you
If you ask me, he'd never do.

I guess my mother would be right
I guess I'll have to forget about this night.
Turn to those who genuinely choose
To let go of the past and move on to what's new.

A moment of pleasure

It was half past eleven and the sky was clear and light. I just love these summer evenings. The sun never sets - it feels like magic. It makes me feel so lucky. So, anyway, there I was, pushing forward on the bike. I still tasted the red wine on my lips and I was again mesmerized by the magic of life, love, summer and a never setting sun. If painted like a cartoon, it would have showed my hair blowing in the wind, butterflies surrounding me as I bicycled towards home. Because that was the feeling. The sky was pink and the air was warm.

Suddenly I saw her. She just laid there, in the middle of the street. Any car could have ran her over. Her head resting on the ground. Was she sleeping? Was she...dead? I jumped of the bike as quick as I could and ran over to her.
- Excuse me, Ma'am, are you OK?
Her eyes popped open. I wasn't sure I was awake anymore.
- I will help you get up. Are you hurting somewhere? There is blood on your forehead.
I stretched out my hand and took hers. It was warm.
She couldn't speak. She tried to say something, but it didn't come out right.
- Here, grab my hands, I'll pull you up.
She tried to take my hands, but had no strength to pull herself up.
- I want to go home, she suddenly murmured, Please help me get home.
I wasn't sure if the lady was drunk or having some kind of seizure.
- I'll help you get home.
I made an emergency call. The first one in my life. As I called I tried to help the lady sit upright. I had not enough strength to lift her up.
As I was talking on the phone a young man pulled up on his bike. He immediately grabbed the lady by her waist and pulled her up. A car pulled in. A foreigner stepped out.
- Do you need help?
- I'm getting help right now on the phone!
There we were, four strangers in the night. One old lady (and yes, she had had a few too many drinks), one very helpful, handsome foreigner (I'm guessing Spanish), one young man, and me, a girl with butterflies in her hair. We chatted with the old lady who was thankful for having been saved. She wanted to hug all of us. As she hugged the handsome foreigner she laughed out loud, nodding approvingly. The foreigner looked at me, waiting for a translation.
- She's totally feeling you, I said. He smiled.
The old lady continued nodding approvingly.
- Very big muscles, she then said and laughed again.
We all did.

It took forever for help to arrive, but as it finally did, we said goodbye to the old lady and looked at each other. It was easy to see, there were three sets of glimmering eyes - we had just shared an odd moment of pleasure beneath the clear summer sky.

Luck favours the prepared

Apparently Louis Pasteur said "luck favours the prepared" and this quote got me and a friend reflecting on things one late night a few weeks ago.
We came up with a hypothetical theory of how to prepare luck to throw in a man in this single life.

As a single lady in her best years - at least that's the way we'd like to see things - one has to start making efforts. Until now I have more or less relied on life to in one of its twists and turns make me stumble upon that man with the capital M. Well, after being very single indeed for the last few years, it is time to realize something: It might not happen. And this is the backdrop to the theory. If my very social life isn't social enough to get myself to finding a better half, I'd better start doing something about it. Preparing the path for luck to make its move.

And it goes something like this (Did you just hear that said by the voice of Madonna? Yeah, me too!):
We probably need a few more ways of preparing luck than one, but let's start at the end. I don't expect luck to come in tomorrow with the first Man it could find, I am ready to allow it some time to find the best possible man for me. Let's say within a year or so. And what would I like to happen in a year or so? Well, it would be very nice to find myself on a romantic weekend in a romantic city. I always wanted to go to Vienna, but have for some reason never gotten there. So a romantic vacation in that beautiful city would really be nice. And not too much to ask for, I think, it could be doable.

So if I want to be spending a romantic weekend in Vienna in let's say May 2011, what do I need? A hotel room, for sure. I mean flights are difficult to prepare, not knowing from where one would be travelling, but a hotel room is something one can make reservations for without having to be filled in on any other information.

I could, in other words, make that reservation. For two, in a romantic getaway in Vienna, for a weekend in May 2011. That would be being quite prepared, right?

A thousand years

This is possibly the best song ever made (OK, I might have said that before about something else, but every time I mean it.) and it lifts me up to heights I never want to descend from. It takes me so low down I feel I will never be able to get up. It breaks my heart and it builds up my soul. It is strength and weakness in one, it is magic and ordinary, it is the future and the past. It is me. It is you.



Here is another song by Sting, one that I love almost as much. So full of pain, but at the same time so liberating. I remember listening to it and being filled by an intense feeling of freedom. The lyrics are extraordinary! He is ingenious, this man. I'm not sure how a person gets to the point of writing a song like this one. And as I listen to it, I feel it tearing up old wounds. It is strange how some feelings are attached to certain pieces of music. It's alright. I'll let it flow.




Well it's five in the morning and the light's already broken
And the rainy streets are empty for nobody else has woken
Yet you turn towards the window as he sleeps beneath the covers
And you wonder what he's dreaming in his slumbers

There's a clock upon the table and it's burning up the hour
And you feel your life is shrinking like the petals of a flower
As you creep towards the closet you're so careful not to wake him
And you choose the cotton dress you bought last summer

There's a time of indecision between the bedroom and the door
But the part of you that knows that you can't take it any more
There's the promise of the future in the creaking of the floor
And you're torn if you should leave him with a number

And in your imagination you're a thousand miles away
Because too many of his promises got broken on the way
So you write it in a letter all the things you couldn't say
And you tell him that you're never coming home

She starts running for the railway station praying that her calculation's right
And there's a train just waiting there to get her to the city before night
A place to sleep a place to stay will get her through another day
She'll take a job she'll find a friend she'll make a life that's better

The passengers ignore her just a girl with an umbrella
And there's nothing they can do for her, there's nothing they can tell her
There's nothing they could ever say would change the way she feels today
She'd live the life she'd always dreamed if he had only let her

Now in her imagination she's a million miles away
When too many of his promises got broken on the way
So she wrote it in a letter all the things she couldn't say
And she told him she was never coming home
She told him she was never coming home

I wake up in an empty bed a road drill hammers in my head
I call her name there's no reply it's not like her to let me lie
It's time for work it's time to go but something's different I don't know
I need a cup of coffee I'll feel better

I stumble to the bathroom door, her make up bag is on the floor
It really is a mess this place it takes some time to shave my face
I'm not really thinking straight she never lets me sleep this late
I'm almost done and then I see the letter

In his imagination she's a universe away
Too many of his promises got broken on the way
So she wrote it in a letter all things she couldn't say
And she told him she was never coming home,
She told him she was never coming home,
She told him she was never coming home

I'm gonna live my life
And she told him she was never coming home
I'm gonna live my life in my own way

Lyrics: www. sting.com

He saw her before she had spotted him

He saw her before she had spotted him. It was a long time since they had met the last time. Some five, six years he counted. He watched her rush towards the statue where they had agreed to meet. He felt his heart pounding. Why, he wasn't too sure about that. He wasn't supposed to have any feelings for her anymore. He knew she did. It had always been written all over her that she did.

It was the anxiety. Of seeing her again. In his mind he already felt her close to his chest. In his mind he already felt her scent.

They had been playing for too long. That's what it felt like. But how do you stop playing? It still must have given them something, right? It was 14 years since they had met for the first time. Fourteen! He shook his head. She took a right turn and was now waiting at a red light. She still had not seen him. Sure, there had been times when they during these fourteen years had found each other longing for another. Most of the time out of sync, though. Most of the times without really discussing it. The last few times they had met for stop-overs or weekends he had felt like being the one on top of the situation. She was down on her knees and he, he had felt nothing. Not really. I mean yes, sure he felt his blood rush through the whole body when he saw her, not to mention touching her. But he hadn't had any silly ideas about the two of them being together, like a couple, out in the open. She, on the other hand, she was eating out of his hand. I bet she still is, he thought.

The light was still red. His blood was still pumping. He watched her look up and their eyes met. Wow! It was an explosion that took place inside of him! The blood rushed so fast that the only thing he could hear was a swooshing sound. He felt dizzy for a few seconds. Her face lit up and so did his. My God! She looked just the same as she had when he had boarded that plane five years ago, minus the teary eyes. He lifted his hand and waved at her. She did the same, smiling the whole time.

The lights finally changed and she started walking towards him. he took a few leaps to get to her faster. From a short distance she already shouted her "Hi!". Oh my God. Was it really five years ago since he had heard her voice so close?

Suddenly she was there, in his arms. She looked at him and that smile of hers lighted up her face, and his too, he was sure. "Hi", he said. "I'm glad you came". In his mind he was calculating. All these years they had been on their own, both of them. How many years could they already have had something else than stolen weekends in big cities? No - why am I thinking this? He confused himself. And so did feeling the scent of her hair. They were not supposed to be, it wasn't written.

So many things had always stayed the same, but one thing surely had changed. For the first time during these fourteen years he was afraid. Afraid she might not love him anymore. The feeling left him feeling so alone.

"I'm freezing, let's go have a coffee, yeah?" Her eyes surely did not give anything away as she smiled at him, still being just a few inches away from him. "Yeah, let's." It was all he said. In his mind he just thought "please still love me."

It was the softest of touches

It was the softest of touches.
I gently wrapped my fingers around your hand.
Watching you sleep.
With that gentle touch I wanted so much.
I wanted you to feel safe. I wanted to put you in a place of ease. I wanted to let you know that all my love, with that touch, was handed out to you.
I didn't want you to wake up, instead I wanted for you to get a notion of peace.
I wanted for you to continue breathing with ease.

One touch.
A gentle touch.
That was all.
No need for anything else.
No need for legs tangled, for hands pulling bodies closer.
No need.

Summer, please stay!

I was away for four days and the summer arrived as soon as I stepped onto foreign ground. Yes, you can have it, I am not bitter! I got my internal summer and the rest of you got it outside, win-win, right?

Travelling and getting to hug those people you love but haven't seen for a long time always makes me think about relations, about love, about how happy I should be. Once again that happened. Once again I was reminded of the importance of doing our best to keep the people we love in our lives. That doesn't come by itself, you know. It requires work. And another point I'd like to make: Please don't ditch people out of your lives just because the boyfriend-girlfriend-relationship ended, or because of any other reason. Not if they are important to you.

I am quite good at keeping my loved ones close. I am glad I am. No casting in my life for certain roles, I can love you today as a friend, tomorrow as a lover and the day after that as a person. I think that's my secret, actually. The people I love are the ones that make me the person I am. They are the ones that keep me from falling. They are the ones that give that ordinary day a silver lining.

Thank you, I love you.

Signs of spring?

Yes, I am still waiting (oh how slowly time goes when waiting!) for my spring to be here!
Yesterday was a clear sign of summer, though. Latin rhythms, five inch heals and a hot dance floor. It is the worst and the best at the same time when the floor is so crowded that one has no space where to put one's feet, let alone dance. But oh, how enjoyable that was anyway!

Here are my collected signs of this week. The light is at its best when the sky starts to clear up after a shower. Now we're almost there.

It leaves me honored

Tonight I was lucky enough to have someone sharing their inner thoughts, their secrets of life, their plans for the future with me. As always, it leaves me honored. However - I don't feel big enough. I don't feel serious enough. I don't feel enough. I feel small, so small. And yet so happy that I am given the kind of trust it requires to have stories of life revealed to someone. When I hear about these tragedies, these stories of loss, of disappointment, of life showing its darkest shades.

I never understand how people can be the most optimistic, the most forward looking, after dealing with the biggest tragedies. I'm not sure I could. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of such pain. I have had my share, and it is - thank God - not even close to what some people have had to go through. And somehow they manage to come out stronger on the other side!

In times like these I wish more than ever, that there really is a reason to it all. I want to believe there is.

I am left a bit speechless tonight. What is there to say? How could I ever understand? How could I ever even commence to grasp it? There is no way. And suddenly I feel so small with my in comparison tiny obstacles in life. They sometimes drag me down and leave me on the ground, gasping. Not so strong after all, right?

Life comes in big portions, good and bad. Sometimes they seem too big to chew. Hang in there, everyone. Let's have faith, after all, there is not much else.

I need something nice and easy to round up with. Jovanotti's Baciami ancora is just that. I checked the soundtrack to the movie by the same name and I see it contains a few other favourites, Citizen Cope, to name one.

She walked in a bit gray, miss May

She walked in a bit gray,
I must say, this miss May wasn't
what I'd expected her to be
Such a sunny thing, they say
But not this time, I thought
and threw a glance at this babe
She seems so colorless, so vague
Is this really the real miss May?
Usually arriving with flowers in bloom
Oh dear, is she gonna look like that all afternoon?
I bet all she needs is a little sun,
a little sun does wonders to anyone!
Please miss May, don't look that way
We've waited for you for such a long time
I promise you, let's get some sun and it'll all be fine!

Spring takes a long time coming this year.







Note: level of accomplishment: 3/3.

Oh yes, he had a whole lot of catching up to do

The old man took one step back from the point where he was standing. He took a last look at the picture on the shelf. It had been there for a long, long time. As a tear rolled down his cheek he lifted the hammer and aimed it well. The glass shattered in a thousand pieces. The man placed the hammer gently on the bedside table as he walked out from the room. Soon he returned with a broom and a dustpan. He felt his back hurt as he bent down to sweep up the glass.

He thought he would have felt sadness, loss, but he didn't. He thought about that later on, as he had sat down to smoke a cigarette. He had shed one single tear. One. All of these years filled with sadness, agony and pain. They ended while shedding one tear.

He had loved her so much. It had caused him pain for so many years. Losing her. Living without her. As he sat there, smoking his cigarette, he thought about all the years he had lost as well. Grieving. Losing her again and again and again. Breaking his heart by trying to find a way to get her back. All those years.

And now. It was all gone. The pain had disappeared the moment he smashed her picture into pieces. It was almost like the pain had been trapped within that frame. Like he had kept it there by keeping the frame on the same shelf. Since the day she walked out the door and never came back.

"I'm an old man", he thought. "I have wasted my life." He always blamed her. Every day he had woken up thinking "Why did she do that to me. How did she dare do that to me, the person who had loved her forever?" Every night he had gone to bed hoping to wake up, finding her next to him, finding it'd all been a dream.

Now for the first time in 37 years he felt free. He opened the closet and let his fingers touch every single piece of clothing inside. He had worn the same gray clothes for years now. He suddenly felt like spicing it up somewhat.

The read shirt had fit him better years ago, but he still liked the feel of it. The brown velvet blazer still fit, more or less. He added the hat. The hat that he had bought for their honeymoon. That didn't disturb him now, as he was walking out the door. He was on his way to the bar on the opposite side of the street. He had seen some fine women dining there a few nights ago. Who knew, maybe one of them fancied a drink and maybe a stroll down the pier. Oh yes, he had a whole lot of catching up to do.

Prepare for perfection

Stop what you are doing! Prepare for perfection! Press play and enjoy!
Lowe does it for me, both in sound and visuals. This is one of the best songs ever made, if you ask me, it is ingenious.



BTW, level of accomplishment: 2/3

How is that working for you?

I often nowadays feel like moving in circles. I get up, get forward, turn right, turn right again, walk straight, turn right - and here I am again, exactly where I started. I must be doing something wrong, right? I often hear the very Dr. Phil-ish question in my head: "How is that working for you?". Well, a lot of things don't. At all. I keep finding myself in the same situations all the time. I keep passing the same mark over and over. It's the one saying "So we're back again, eih?" And yet I feel it is not because of my choices, but because of those of others. Well, that is not true, of course. But how can we fix things when we have no clue what to do about it?

I am often jealous of people with therapists. I'd want one. I'd love to have an unbiased person to reflect on my life and my choices in it. Heaven on a couch.

I know my biggest problem. I always put myself second. I put everybody else before myself. Why? (That is my inner Dr. Phil speaking.) Well, mostly because I don't want to make anybody feel bad. I do my best until I break and that's when things escalate. My second problem is that I seem to be a magnet when it comes to people I have no interest in. Suddenly they are there, going that extra mile for my sake, expecting me to do the same. Problem? I don't want to make them feel bad. (I've heard that before, says Dr. Phil.) And again I find myself in a situation unbearable.

Sometimes life is all about personal growth, about spiritual growth, about change, about taking chances. Often it's about winning and losing, getting one step forward and two steps back, then two steps forward again. It's about movement. Or at least that's how I'd like it to be.

I am not a cynical person. Yet this year I've felt the cynicism creeping under my skin. I blame a long and dark winter. (Can I?) I often wonder how this time of my life will feel in ten years. It is amazing how many things change in ten years, or even just five. And then some things never change, they stay the same. I guess we should be happy about having some stability, right? Yet confirmation on having made the right choices would also be appreciated. Last year and the one before that was much about love for me. This year, we'll see. I will keep breathing out unease and breathing in love. I promise. Until then I'll do my best to put myself in situations where life feels good. I'm working on a couple of them. Dreaming is such a wonderful thing.

And I have given myself some kind of motivation as well. When I finally arrive at the point of ease, when that mark is behind me for the last time, I'll treat myself with confirmation. I already see a lotus flower symbolizing purity, spiritual awakening, progress of the soul, reaching the surface and good luck.

3-step happiness

I remember those days when I had the chance to travel and meet people and get paid for it. That was often enough to make me happy. In my very stationery job of today I miss it even more than I thought I would. However, back then I had no chance to dance like I do now. I guess we all need to give some to get some.

Dancing is really one of the biggest joys of my life. I often say dancing makes me happier than any other thing ever could. Gone is the stress, the unease, the uncertainty of tomorrow. I breath in joy and breath out happiness. It's fulfillment.

With Easter in between I have spent a few days away from the dance floor, and in came the unease again. It was almost like opening a window and feeling the cold. This time around I have done my best to find a fix. It's called making a plan and I hope it will bring me a 3-step happiness.

Step 1: Making a plan
Why is it making plans makes us happy? I can't really tell when it comes to anyone else, but for me it's easy. It's about knowing a tiny bit of what the future will hold. My plan is all about a trip to one of the few places I truly love.

Step 2: Travelling
Yes, for me it always helps getting away. The further the better. It would be an easy nut to chew for any psychiatrist: I probably feel like leaving all my problems, all of my unease at home when going away. It makes me think though, maybe it would be better to take it with me and leave it somewhere far away from home? No wonder I always have all the drama waiting for me when I get back. And yes, this fix will include travelling.

Step 3: Being creative and/or enabling personal growth
It is my quick fix, not sure if it works for everybody. Being creative is what makes me feel free - almost as free as when dancing. Adding the possibility to learn, to grow, to evolve makes it even better for me. Some kind of course or activity that demands learning and practicing. That will make me come out of it like a new person in many ways. I will feel I am an improved version of myself and I will feel happy for having had the possibility to create something. Very therapeutic, and with some luck it will leave a mark on the curriculum as well. So that's definitely the activity planned and I cannot wait to finalize these 3 steps on my way to happiness.

Finalizing: 1. Write down and check the possibility - 2. Book the tickets - 3. Make the reservation.
Level of accomplishment: 1/3

Sometimes I need to remind myself

It isn't always going fine. That is how life is, right? Sometimes I find myself struggling with reality, with the fact that there are aspects to my life that are in such a messy state. At times like those I need to remind myself about breathing in love and breathing out unease.

Unease. A word that describes me quite well at times. Restlessness. A feeling of needing to know the point at which I will feel ease. That scarcely happens, does it, for people like me? Instead I feel en even greater unease out of thinking that the people I surround me with are so at ease, so harmonious, so in control.

Yes, I'd like to feel in control at some point. Feel that my life is in my hands. I can already hear some say "of course it is". Well, I guess that's easy to say. I feel it's quite hard to realize. At a sunny beach far away from my current place of being someone told me "We all are where we are in life because we have put us there ourselves." That is a naive way of looking at life, I'd say. Yes, at times we can make the decisions ourselves, about turning left or right. At times, though, other people's actions put the waves in motion, and those waves might push us over or put our lives in motion as well. And our waves will have the same effect on somebody else's life. No man is an island. If you believe you always can stand firmly on your two feet without being affected by other people's choices and actions - you are living in denial.

I am no island. And at this point I am being caught in a restless sea. As I see it, my choice is a matter of how to react on the unease this time. I choose to try to obtain an optimistic outlook on life. At some point I believe, life will show us what the great turning points were all about. Until then we will just need to have faith.

Finally some signs of spring

This spring has been trying to come for a long time now. But finally some signs have been spotted. I feel the spring in the air and now as well in my closet.

I love you

He watched her lay there on the grass, just an inch away from him. Her eyes were closed, those long lashes creating as long shadows.
He wanted to touch her. Just for a moment, just to feel she really was there, next to him.

It was a long time since the first time they had been laying on the grass in that same park. He was in love with her then, as he still was. He still loved her. She still didn't love him. Or at least he was quite sure. And this time around, just as the first, he wanted to tell her so badly that his heart pounded in his chest. "Like a mad man's fist", she used to say. Yes, like a mad man's fist.

Why it had been so hard to tell, he wasn't sure. He had loved her forever and he thought she must have known, forever. Wasn't it obvious? Yes, he believed it was. And there she was, with her back against the ground, with her eyes slightly moving behind closed eyelids. Just an inch away from his touch.

What if I just kissed her? He had been kissing her for years in his mind, in his dreams. In his dreams her lips were soft. In his dreams he placed his hand on her neck and pulled her closer. As she kept her eyes closed, he leaned slightly forward, just enough to feel her breath on his face. Oh, how many times he had been dreaming about waking up next to her, feeling her breath against his skin! I'm a fool for not telling her, he thought. What if she didn't know? What if he only thought that she knew about his love? What if she had been waiting all this time as well for him to say something?

It happened fast. He closed his eyes for a second, as to focus, and took a deep breath. "I love you." Did he say it out loud? Yes, he did. He said it again, "I love you."

She must have been sleeping, because she didn't move. Instead he lay down next to her and took her hand, squeezed it gently so that she wouldn't wake up.

Poem of the day

I am travelling through the universe
within my soul.
At times I feel I bear the spirit of everyone
who was here before.
The rivers I cross, I've crossed before,
The people I meet, I've heard them call my name.
Travelling through life, it is a journey in it self.
Done so many times by so many souls.
Is there really anything new to any of us?
The joy we feel, when did it start?
Whose smile was to break out to become my laughter?
Whose eyes watered to make tears run down my cheeks?
All the pain we feel, it has been heavy to bear for a long time.
All the happiness within, it has been running through our veins for centuries.
Don't worry. It doesn't end here, because it didn't start with you or me.
Follow the flow of the past and it will push you into the future.
Let your happiness run through somebody else's veins.
Bear your pain and you'll ease the pain of the centuries to come.
We are the spirits of those to come. We are the paths they will trace.

Spring, anyone?

A few days ago I thought spring would be just far enough for me to start my usual springtime hobby, watching it progress through the lens. And then this day came along.

A couple of days ago it all looked good.




Today was a different story. Here comes the snow again...

It only takes a blue day

Remember what I said about barely touching those dreams? Today I got to know I didn't catch one of them. So close, yet so far. The strange thing is, I did catch the other one last week. A dream of mine came true. And now - now I feel it doesn't lift me that high, after receiving news about losing the other one.

I know, that is the wrong reaction. But still it is a reaction, a spontaneous feeling. And as we all know, I treasure those the most.
Today, though, after letting everybody that matters to me know, I have received some words on the road. Since I have managed to pull myself upwards somewhat because of them, I'll share them with all of you. Maybe some words will make somebody else stronger as well.

About loss:
- When it hurts the most, that's when you are the closest to achieving great things. (my brother)
About self-esteem:
- Think of yourself as when you were at the highest of your highs, never of when you were at the lowest of your lows (my brother)
About hitting the bottom:
- You need to hit rock bottom to be able to move upwards (my friend and ex-colleague)
About destiny:
- Losing a dream only means that something even better is waiting around the corner (my friend)
About other people's perceptions:
- Soon somebody will see your true spirit (my former boss)
About belief:
- There is no limit for when to stop trying. Try again and again until you reach your goal. (my brother)
About G&T's:
- Sometimes you need one, sometimes you need a few. Have as many gin & tonics you need. (my brother)
About easing the pain:
- Can I ease the pain with a Jazz club event in London? (my friend, the light of my life)

Yes, thank you, all of you. It only takes a blue day to be reminded of the love I'm surrounded by.

Catching dreams

I am almost touching two of my dreams right now. You know the feeling? It is like almost feeling it, like having it touch the tip of your fingers just enough to know you want it. That's how close I am right now. This week will probably tell, whether I stretched out enough or whether I need to keep working on it.

Catching dreams. Sometimes it feels so real, so close. Sometimes again, it feels further away than ever. Almost so far that you start wondering, was it ever there for you to have?

I often spill out my theories of life. Here is one again. I do believe there are certain milestones we are supposed to pass on our path through life. Others we might dream of, but they are not along the route. I often wonder, what my milestones are like. Am I dreaming about the right things or am I dreaming along a path that is not mine? On the other hand I believe that when it comes to fulfilling who we really are, we must be on the right path. Why would it otherwise make us so happy?

Quotes and thoughts

I like quotes. For me a good quote is a short piece of text that is easy to remember and that makes you think, laugh, feel - react in some way, and that you want to share with others. Today I found this thought in the blog of Paulo Coelho:

Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.

I look back just a few years and I can see how I for some time let my wounds turn me into something I was not. I see it happening in people around me, in friends, loved ones. We sometimes seem afraid of life itself. Afraid of tomorrow and the day after that. Being afraid we close the curtains and choose not to look out the window. We will keep ourselves safe by doing so, but we will also keep away the light.

So yes, it is a good quote. There are a few other quotes that I really do like. One (actually quite a few) that I have borrowed a few times to use in this blog is by Mahatma Gandhi who said:

Be the change you want to see in the world.

It does make me think 'Yes. Yes we can.' Oops, that was another quote. Another beautiful quote by the same man:

A living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.

Winston Churchill was a wise man:

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

They don't need to be that serious, though.

Please send me your last pair of shoes, worn out with dancing as you mentioned in your letter, so that I might have something to press against my heart.

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Francesco Petrarca:

Her way of moving was no mortal thing
but of angelic form: and her speech
rang higher than a mere human voice.

A celestial spirit, a living sun
was what I saw...

Oscar Wilde:

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes.
That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

Oh yes, I'm almost there myself, judging by the rouge.
Have a good thought and a good night.

Dreaming

I had a wonderful dream last night.

My first notion is I am at the bottom. The bottom of a sea, a river, something. My chest touches the ground and I feel it being wet and cold against the skin. I get the urge to push myself upwards and I do. I am suddenly up in the air, flying. I move around easily, knowing exactly how to move to get forward. I see beautiful mountains on both sides, water below. In the middle, paradise birds. I see huge flowers growing at the side of a mountain. I move closer to them and see the flowers, beautiful and white on the outside, with a yellow core on the inside, holding a liquid. I stretch out, place the flower in my hand like it'd be an oyster, and drink from it. It tastes sweet. I feel so happy! I feel so free! I continue flying, with the most beautiful sceneries around me.

I am not much of an artist when it comes to drawing, but if I would draw a picture of my dream, it would be myself flying with my chest towards the sun, with beautiful birds around me, and I'd be stretching out to the flower, placing it gently in my hand.



Sweet dreams.

This is my heaven

Today I stumbled into heaven.
Suddenly it was there, like the blue sky appearing
as I open the curtains.
Jovanotti - so many of my memories, dreams, sentimentalities are within his music.
But this - Dove ho visto te - was a gem hidden from me, until now.

Enjoy the lyrics. Enjoy the tango. This is love. This is life. This is passion. This is my heaven.

E c'è una parte della mia città
Che assomiglia a te
Quella dei bar con fuori i tavolini
E del silenzio di certi giardini
E c'è una parte della luna
Che assomiglia a te
Quella dove si specchia il sole
Che ispira musica e parole

It would have been perfect

She watched him as he made a perfect table in the snow.
Real cups. She had never been drinking out of a real, ceramic cup outdoors. He put so much effort into all of this.
She almost felt sorry for him. If she'd only been the right one for him. If he'd only been the right one for her.
It would have been perfect.

The ginger bread he had made himself.
The spot was perfectly chosen. The landscape was like out of a dream.
What if - she suddenly thought
- What if somewhere else, miles and miles away from them
Two people were sharing a picnic
In the perfect scenery,
with the perfect real ceramic cups.
But still it was not right?
Maybe one of them
was supposed to be
with one of us? she thought.

It made her sad as she smiled to him.
(For so badly she wanted to smile to someone else)
For what could seem so perfect to someone watching from a distance
Could be so wrong to the one close.

The ginger bread tasted like heaven
And the fact that he'd made it
was making it worse.
As she turned away for just a second
She used the back of her hand to wipe a way
Tears.

The great aching sky

Yes, David definitely did it again, managing to make an album that is just perfect.

I gazed so hard into the great aching sky
It seemed that I，

I wasn’t here no more
That my rushing blood was a river
My eyes two stars
My blowing hair all a quiver
A whispering field of grass
That murmurs as you pass

(From Kathleen)

Poem of the day

Go on.
Turn me around 'till I
keep spinning by myself.
Like a thousand fires reaching for me
I am getting burned.
And still
I reach out for more.
No.
I run for it.
Rather being burned than feeling nothing!
For my agony has become my fix.
Go on.
Bend me over 'till I
feel my fingers touch the floor.
Like a thousand oceans I am swallowed
In the depth of cold waters.
And still
I open my mouth and breath.
No.
I drink from it.
Rather drowning than feeling nothing!
For my torment is now my escape.
Go on.
Turn me around 'till I
keep spinning by myself.

Fugitive

I admit. I cannot help myself. David Gray is a must have, and therefore I had to get myself a copy of the quite fresh album Draw the Line (and somehow John Mayer just popped into that same basket..oops.).

If there is one artist with an amazing voce, it definitely is David.

The new album is fabulous, based on what I've heard so far. It will for sure be one of the gems in my collection of music for the soul.

Fugitive is excellent, have a listen.

Maybe it will be magic for them as well

She closes the door behind her, still with a smile on her face.
They didn't see it, she knows that. She saw it, they didn't. She felt the magic in the moment, they didn't.
For a short moment of time she felt sad.
Alone.
What if others would never see the magic as she did? What if nobody would ever sense that moment when everything stands still for a fraction of a second? When the whole world stops and seems to be glowing?
It was in her words and it was in his eyes. And still she's sure he didn't notice.

She had tried to explain, even though she knew it was in vain. She felt a bit stupid, like always, when trying to explain how she saw it. She felt like they'd stare and think "She sure is a luny". This time it was all the same, except for that smile in his eyes.
Maybe he felt it too, she thinks.
Maybe someone else will start to see the world as I do.
Maybe it will be magic for them as well.


Song of the day: Earthtone's Back to life. Be sure not to miss Brad Doggett's fab music.

Give me that soul, Paloma

The Paloma of the day (does sound like some kind of recognition, doesn't it?) needs to be posted right now.

My legs are weak by Paloma Faith. If this song can't bring you that feeling that places itself in the limbs, weakening them all one by one, that languor that in so many ways is more enjoyable than anything else, then I think nothing will.

Paloma does it for me. I find myself in a state of unrest, but one that I like to stay in.

Days like these and moments like those

Days like these.
So far away from moments.
(Moments like those)
That made us catapult up in the sky
(And the grass drew maps on our bare backs as we lay there)
That made us feel heavy.
Remember those nights?
(When I could feel your breath on my neck and still none of us moved, nor uttered a word)
They were full of those moments.
And still we are waking up every morning
to a day like this.
(How many universes could we fit in between?)
Feeling fine, feeling content.
Yet having the notion someone pushed the fast forward.
Feeling fine, feeling ok.
Yet so many glasses emptied in between.
So many smiles flashed.
(On days like these it's more in my face than ever)
As it's becoming quite clear.
Days like these, they will never be made of moments like those.
(Please don't make me wake up just yet)
(I want to squeeze these sheets in my fist for some longer)
(Because the memories are in these scents)
(And at times I feel like being pulled back in)
(And at times I'd like to let go)
(At times I know and it makes me anxious)
(How much longer?)

And the beauty is in the lense

Vietnam.

Universal truths

- People will ultimately get the same revelations, come to the same conclusions. Even on their own.

I looked at the man who had just answered a question I had had on my mind, even though I never said anything about it.

- They are universal revelations and no one can claim them as their own, no one can be the author of them.

I knew what he meant by saying so.

- It just is what it is, and eventually people will see the same kind of reality.

He looked at me and nodded.

- Yes, that is exactly it! It is what it is. The paths might be different, but still we can arrive in the same place.

I was happy to get the answer to that question that had been lingering on my mind for a few days. The terror in thinking that all that had grown inside of me for a few years actually had just been adopting a mindset. But what he said made perfectly good sense. Those revelations, thoughts, conclusions where not for anyone to claim. Universal truths, for all to see and nobody to own.