Oh yes, he had a whole lot of catching up to do

The old man took one step back from the point where he was standing. He took a last look at the picture on the shelf. It had been there for a long, long time. As a tear rolled down his cheek he lifted the hammer and aimed it well. The glass shattered in a thousand pieces. The man placed the hammer gently on the bedside table as he walked out from the room. Soon he returned with a broom and a dustpan. He felt his back hurt as he bent down to sweep up the glass.

He thought he would have felt sadness, loss, but he didn't. He thought about that later on, as he had sat down to smoke a cigarette. He had shed one single tear. One. All of these years filled with sadness, agony and pain. They ended while shedding one tear.

He had loved her so much. It had caused him pain for so many years. Losing her. Living without her. As he sat there, smoking his cigarette, he thought about all the years he had lost as well. Grieving. Losing her again and again and again. Breaking his heart by trying to find a way to get her back. All those years.

And now. It was all gone. The pain had disappeared the moment he smashed her picture into pieces. It was almost like the pain had been trapped within that frame. Like he had kept it there by keeping the frame on the same shelf. Since the day she walked out the door and never came back.

"I'm an old man", he thought. "I have wasted my life." He always blamed her. Every day he had woken up thinking "Why did she do that to me. How did she dare do that to me, the person who had loved her forever?" Every night he had gone to bed hoping to wake up, finding her next to him, finding it'd all been a dream.

Now for the first time in 37 years he felt free. He opened the closet and let his fingers touch every single piece of clothing inside. He had worn the same gray clothes for years now. He suddenly felt like spicing it up somewhat.

The read shirt had fit him better years ago, but he still liked the feel of it. The brown velvet blazer still fit, more or less. He added the hat. The hat that he had bought for their honeymoon. That didn't disturb him now, as he was walking out the door. He was on his way to the bar on the opposite side of the street. He had seen some fine women dining there a few nights ago. Who knew, maybe one of them fancied a drink and maybe a stroll down the pier. Oh yes, he had a whole lot of catching up to do.

Prepare for perfection

Stop what you are doing! Prepare for perfection! Press play and enjoy!
Lowe does it for me, both in sound and visuals. This is one of the best songs ever made, if you ask me, it is ingenious.



BTW, level of accomplishment: 2/3

How is that working for you?

I often nowadays feel like moving in circles. I get up, get forward, turn right, turn right again, walk straight, turn right - and here I am again, exactly where I started. I must be doing something wrong, right? I often hear the very Dr. Phil-ish question in my head: "How is that working for you?". Well, a lot of things don't. At all. I keep finding myself in the same situations all the time. I keep passing the same mark over and over. It's the one saying "So we're back again, eih?" And yet I feel it is not because of my choices, but because of those of others. Well, that is not true, of course. But how can we fix things when we have no clue what to do about it?

I am often jealous of people with therapists. I'd want one. I'd love to have an unbiased person to reflect on my life and my choices in it. Heaven on a couch.

I know my biggest problem. I always put myself second. I put everybody else before myself. Why? (That is my inner Dr. Phil speaking.) Well, mostly because I don't want to make anybody feel bad. I do my best until I break and that's when things escalate. My second problem is that I seem to be a magnet when it comes to people I have no interest in. Suddenly they are there, going that extra mile for my sake, expecting me to do the same. Problem? I don't want to make them feel bad. (I've heard that before, says Dr. Phil.) And again I find myself in a situation unbearable.

Sometimes life is all about personal growth, about spiritual growth, about change, about taking chances. Often it's about winning and losing, getting one step forward and two steps back, then two steps forward again. It's about movement. Or at least that's how I'd like it to be.

I am not a cynical person. Yet this year I've felt the cynicism creeping under my skin. I blame a long and dark winter. (Can I?) I often wonder how this time of my life will feel in ten years. It is amazing how many things change in ten years, or even just five. And then some things never change, they stay the same. I guess we should be happy about having some stability, right? Yet confirmation on having made the right choices would also be appreciated. Last year and the one before that was much about love for me. This year, we'll see. I will keep breathing out unease and breathing in love. I promise. Until then I'll do my best to put myself in situations where life feels good. I'm working on a couple of them. Dreaming is such a wonderful thing.

And I have given myself some kind of motivation as well. When I finally arrive at the point of ease, when that mark is behind me for the last time, I'll treat myself with confirmation. I already see a lotus flower symbolizing purity, spiritual awakening, progress of the soul, reaching the surface and good luck.

3-step happiness

I remember those days when I had the chance to travel and meet people and get paid for it. That was often enough to make me happy. In my very stationery job of today I miss it even more than I thought I would. However, back then I had no chance to dance like I do now. I guess we all need to give some to get some.

Dancing is really one of the biggest joys of my life. I often say dancing makes me happier than any other thing ever could. Gone is the stress, the unease, the uncertainty of tomorrow. I breath in joy and breath out happiness. It's fulfillment.

With Easter in between I have spent a few days away from the dance floor, and in came the unease again. It was almost like opening a window and feeling the cold. This time around I have done my best to find a fix. It's called making a plan and I hope it will bring me a 3-step happiness.

Step 1: Making a plan
Why is it making plans makes us happy? I can't really tell when it comes to anyone else, but for me it's easy. It's about knowing a tiny bit of what the future will hold. My plan is all about a trip to one of the few places I truly love.

Step 2: Travelling
Yes, for me it always helps getting away. The further the better. It would be an easy nut to chew for any psychiatrist: I probably feel like leaving all my problems, all of my unease at home when going away. It makes me think though, maybe it would be better to take it with me and leave it somewhere far away from home? No wonder I always have all the drama waiting for me when I get back. And yes, this fix will include travelling.

Step 3: Being creative and/or enabling personal growth
It is my quick fix, not sure if it works for everybody. Being creative is what makes me feel free - almost as free as when dancing. Adding the possibility to learn, to grow, to evolve makes it even better for me. Some kind of course or activity that demands learning and practicing. That will make me come out of it like a new person in many ways. I will feel I am an improved version of myself and I will feel happy for having had the possibility to create something. Very therapeutic, and with some luck it will leave a mark on the curriculum as well. So that's definitely the activity planned and I cannot wait to finalize these 3 steps on my way to happiness.

Finalizing: 1. Write down and check the possibility - 2. Book the tickets - 3. Make the reservation.
Level of accomplishment: 1/3

Sometimes I need to remind myself

It isn't always going fine. That is how life is, right? Sometimes I find myself struggling with reality, with the fact that there are aspects to my life that are in such a messy state. At times like those I need to remind myself about breathing in love and breathing out unease.

Unease. A word that describes me quite well at times. Restlessness. A feeling of needing to know the point at which I will feel ease. That scarcely happens, does it, for people like me? Instead I feel en even greater unease out of thinking that the people I surround me with are so at ease, so harmonious, so in control.

Yes, I'd like to feel in control at some point. Feel that my life is in my hands. I can already hear some say "of course it is". Well, I guess that's easy to say. I feel it's quite hard to realize. At a sunny beach far away from my current place of being someone told me "We all are where we are in life because we have put us there ourselves." That is a naive way of looking at life, I'd say. Yes, at times we can make the decisions ourselves, about turning left or right. At times, though, other people's actions put the waves in motion, and those waves might push us over or put our lives in motion as well. And our waves will have the same effect on somebody else's life. No man is an island. If you believe you always can stand firmly on your two feet without being affected by other people's choices and actions - you are living in denial.

I am no island. And at this point I am being caught in a restless sea. As I see it, my choice is a matter of how to react on the unease this time. I choose to try to obtain an optimistic outlook on life. At some point I believe, life will show us what the great turning points were all about. Until then we will just need to have faith.

Finally some signs of spring

This spring has been trying to come for a long time now. But finally some signs have been spotted. I feel the spring in the air and now as well in my closet.