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He watched her lay there on the grass, just an inch away from him. Her eyes were closed, those long lashes creating as long shadows.
He wanted to touch her. Just for a moment, just to feel she really was there, next to him.
It was a long time since the first time they had been laying on the grass in that same park. He was in love with her then, as he still was. He still loved her. She still didn't love him. Or at least he was quite sure. And this time around, just as the first, he wanted to tell her so badly that his heart pounded in his chest. "Like a mad man's fist", she used to say. Yes, like a mad man's fist.
Why it had been so hard to tell, he wasn't sure. He had loved her forever and he thought she must have known, forever. Wasn't it obvious? Yes, he believed it was. And there she was, with her back against the ground, with her eyes slightly moving behind closed eyelids. Just an inch away from his touch.
What if I just kissed her? He had been kissing her for years in his mind, in his dreams. In his dreams her lips were soft. In his dreams he placed his hand on her neck and pulled her closer. As she kept her eyes closed, he leaned slightly forward, just enough to feel her breath on his face. Oh, how many times he had been dreaming about waking up next to her, feeling her breath against his skin! I'm a fool for not telling her, he thought. What if she didn't know? What if he only thought that she knew about his love? What if she had been waiting all this time as well for him to say something?
It happened fast. He closed his eyes for a second, as to focus, and took a deep breath. "I love you." Did he say it out loud? Yes, he did. He said it again, "I love you."
She must have been sleeping, because she didn't move. Instead he lay down next to her and took her hand, squeezed it gently so that she wouldn't wake up.
I am travelling through the universe
within my soul.
At times I feel I bear the spirit of everyone
who was here before.
The rivers I cross, I've crossed before,
The people I meet, I've heard them call my name.
Travelling through life, it is a journey in it self.
Done so many times by so many souls.
Is there really anything new to any of us?
The joy we feel, when did it start?
Whose smile was to break out to become my laughter?
Whose eyes watered to make tears run down my cheeks?
All the pain we feel, it has been heavy to bear for a long time.
All the happiness within, it has been running through our veins for centuries.
Don't worry. It doesn't end here, because it didn't start with you or me.
Follow the flow of the past and it will push you into the future.
Let your happiness run through somebody else's veins.
Bear your pain and you'll ease the pain of the centuries to come.
We are the spirits of those to come. We are the paths they will trace.
Remember what I said about barely touching those dreams? Today I got to know I didn't catch one of them. So close, yet so far. The strange thing is, I did catch the other one last week. A dream of mine came true. And now - now I feel it doesn't lift me that high, after receiving news about losing the other one.
I know, that is the wrong reaction. But still it is a reaction, a spontaneous feeling. And as we all know, I treasure those the most.
Today, though, after letting everybody that matters to me know, I have received some words on the road. Since I have managed to pull myself upwards somewhat because of them, I'll share them with all of you. Maybe some words will make somebody else stronger as well.
About loss:
- When it hurts the most, that's when you are the closest to achieving great things. (my brother)
About self-esteem:
- Think of yourself as when you were at the highest of your highs, never of when you were at the lowest of your lows (my brother)
About hitting the bottom:
- You need to hit rock bottom to be able to move upwards (my friend and ex-colleague)
About destiny:
- Losing a dream only means that something even better is waiting around the corner (my friend)
About other people's perceptions:
- Soon somebody will see your true spirit (my former boss)
About belief:
- There is no limit for when to stop trying. Try again and again until you reach your goal. (my brother)
About G&T's:
- Sometimes you need one, sometimes you need a few. Have as many gin & tonics you need. (my brother)
About easing the pain:
- Can I ease the pain with a Jazz club event in London? (my friend, the light of my life)
Yes, thank you, all of you. It only takes a blue day to be reminded of the love I'm surrounded by.
I am almost touching two of my dreams right now. You know the feeling? It is like almost feeling it, like having it touch the tip of your fingers just enough to know you want it. That's how close I am right now. This week will probably tell, whether I stretched out enough or whether I need to keep working on it.
Catching dreams. Sometimes it feels so real, so close. Sometimes again, it feels further away than ever. Almost so far that you start wondering, was it ever there for you to have?
I often spill out my theories of life. Here is one again. I do believe there are certain milestones we are supposed to pass on our path through life. Others we might dream of, but they are not along the route. I often wonder, what my milestones are like. Am I dreaming about the right things or am I dreaming along a path that is not mine? On the other hand I believe that when it comes to fulfilling who we really are, we must be on the right path. Why would it otherwise make us so happy?
I like quotes. For me a good quote is a short piece of text that is easy to remember and that makes you think, laugh, feel - react in some way, and that you want to share with others. Today I found this thought in the blog of Paulo Coelho:
Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.
I look back just a few years and I can see how I for some time let my wounds turn me into something I was not. I see it happening in people around me, in friends, loved ones. We sometimes seem afraid of life itself. Afraid of tomorrow and the day after that. Being afraid we close the curtains and choose not to look out the window. We will keep ourselves safe by doing so, but we will also keep away the light.
So yes, it is a good quote. There are a few other quotes that I really do like. One (actually quite a few) that I have borrowed a few times to use in this blog is by Mahatma Gandhi who said: Be the change you want to see in the world.
It does make me think 'Yes. Yes we can.' Oops, that was another quote. Another beautiful quote by the same man: A living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.
Winston Churchill was a wise man:
It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.
They don't need to be that serious, though.
Please send me your last pair of shoes, worn out with dancing as you mentioned in your letter, so that I might have something to press against my heart.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Francesco Petrarca:
Her way of moving was no mortal thing
but of angelic form: and her speech
rang higher than a mere human voice.
A celestial spirit, a living sun
was what I saw...
Oscar Wilde:
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes.
That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
Oh yes, I'm almost there myself, judging by the rouge.
Have a good thought and a good night.
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