How is that working for you?

I often nowadays feel like moving in circles. I get up, get forward, turn right, turn right again, walk straight, turn right - and here I am again, exactly where I started. I must be doing something wrong, right? I often hear the very Dr. Phil-ish question in my head: "How is that working for you?". Well, a lot of things don't. At all. I keep finding myself in the same situations all the time. I keep passing the same mark over and over. It's the one saying "So we're back again, eih?" And yet I feel it is not because of my choices, but because of those of others. Well, that is not true, of course. But how can we fix things when we have no clue what to do about it?

I am often jealous of people with therapists. I'd want one. I'd love to have an unbiased person to reflect on my life and my choices in it. Heaven on a couch.

I know my biggest problem. I always put myself second. I put everybody else before myself. Why? (That is my inner Dr. Phil speaking.) Well, mostly because I don't want to make anybody feel bad. I do my best until I break and that's when things escalate. My second problem is that I seem to be a magnet when it comes to people I have no interest in. Suddenly they are there, going that extra mile for my sake, expecting me to do the same. Problem? I don't want to make them feel bad. (I've heard that before, says Dr. Phil.) And again I find myself in a situation unbearable.

Sometimes life is all about personal growth, about spiritual growth, about change, about taking chances. Often it's about winning and losing, getting one step forward and two steps back, then two steps forward again. It's about movement. Or at least that's how I'd like it to be.

I am not a cynical person. Yet this year I've felt the cynicism creeping under my skin. I blame a long and dark winter. (Can I?) I often wonder how this time of my life will feel in ten years. It is amazing how many things change in ten years, or even just five. And then some things never change, they stay the same. I guess we should be happy about having some stability, right? Yet confirmation on having made the right choices would also be appreciated. Last year and the one before that was much about love for me. This year, we'll see. I will keep breathing out unease and breathing in love. I promise. Until then I'll do my best to put myself in situations where life feels good. I'm working on a couple of them. Dreaming is such a wonderful thing.

And I have given myself some kind of motivation as well. When I finally arrive at the point of ease, when that mark is behind me for the last time, I'll treat myself with confirmation. I already see a lotus flower symbolizing purity, spiritual awakening, progress of the soul, reaching the surface and good luck.