Nihil Declaro

A true story about the honesty of people

2011-12-07T16:28:00.002+02:00

Its' a long time since my last post. I hope this one will find someone despite of it.

It's a beautiful reminder about how honest people can be, and how much they can touch one's heart just by doing the right thing.

I was in Paris, France for an extended weekend. The trip that had started out swell took an ugly turn on Monday when somebody stole my handbag. Those bastards! I never saw the person who did it, but he/she sure had had the training since I never did notice anything else than that someone touched my jacket.

Anyway, one hour at the police station followed, as well as closing all my credit cards. In the bag (that used to belong to my grandmother) was my passport, drivers license, telephone, credit cards, keys - everything! Even my good luck charm!

I must admit I was a bit down the rest of the day and the following morning when it was time to leave for the airport.

Yesterday I got home and I filed a complaint at the insurance company.

Today I got to work - and found an e-mail from a kind and honest man, telling me he had found my bag and that probably everything was there but the money (10 euros!!).

He had been all around Paris to do what he could to save the situation: he had talked to the police, been to the embassy to find it closed, been to my hotel to find out I had left (I had an address to the hotel in my bag) and been to the embassy again to leave the bag there. Now they will send it to me within a few days.

Is this a miracle or what?

The honesty and good-will of this man strikes me! We have mailed a few times after that and I do feel he is the warmest of people.

I wish him all the best and lots of love.

He gave me the best gift one can give: belief in humanity.

Anxiety of knowing too much

2011-07-10T15:01:00.002+03:00

Two days ago I enden my Facebook account. Yes, I know. How could I? Every self-respecting person should be there, share their joys and sorrows an take part of those of their extended group of friends. Right?
No. I object! I couldn't stand it. It became too much, I had to get out before I knew it had overtaken me. So I did.

What a relief! I no longer need to feel I have to like my friends' status updates. I no longer need to know, what half of the people I know had for breakfast, what their kids said last night, how much they wait for their vacations to begin, how amazing their weekend was. I was taken down by information overload. I had encountered the anxiety of knowing too much.

And what about the couple, who live their life via their mobile phones, instead of spending that time together, focusing on the moments they could share instead of sharing space with each other, but their minds with people online? When has it gone too far? Is it when they notice that they really don't need the person next to them anymore, the affirmation of their spouse, because they get more clicks liking their updates from people they went to school with 30 years ago, from the guy who is working at the gym they go to, from their co-worker's sister that they met once, a few years ago.

For me, watching people spending their time, living their life online instead of sharing it with their families, friends, became too much. I could no longer take it. They check in to their accounts and out of their lives. And that is how we are supposed to communicate! That is supposed to improve our social life!

I object. I declare this house a Facebook-free zone, where everybody entering has to check in to life and check out from craving affirmation from people they hardly know.

Losing (finding) oneself

2011-06-27T16:16:00.002+03:00

I always knew it was possible to lose oneself in a relationship, work, family life. I just never thought it would happen to me.

It feels strange to notice that I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t recognize my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions. I’ve lost my creativity. I feel like a mere shadow of what I was before. It makes me sad. And I'm telling you; It is even more strange to feel sad when everything around you should make you happy!

And all there is to it is a new type of life taking over, changing habits, a change of people I surround myself with. Love. Family life.

So how do I find myself again? How do I get back to being me?

If I only knew. I guess I will try to take back some of what I lost. Change some of the habits back to what they were. Try to remember what it really was that made me who I am.

I guess being one’s true self is important. Because when self stops being, what is left is a shell in all its emptiness.

Catching the moment

2011-05-20T18:58:00.005+03:00

Catching moments is easy. It is definitely something that improves the quality of life. One just needs to tune in. I caught a few moments during this week.

Rabbits playing in the field beneath my house.
Watching my love sleep at five in the morning.
Waking up to the sun rising 'cos I forgot to close the curtains the night before.
Watching a rabbit enjoy the sun this morning, just outside my window. He sat there, with his eyes closed, letting the sun warm every hair on his body. Enjoying life, I guess.

Go ahead. Go catch those moments. They are just waiting for you to notice them.

Returning to the surface

2011-05-13T22:41:00.002+03:00

I admit. It has been a long time since my last post. I have been living some amazing months. Although amazing, it somehow has worn me out. I have been feeling tired and for some reason, it has felt like coming from within, rather than from the outside. Why I haven't reached for the surface, I don't know. Then I stumbled over a book that made me push upwards: Robin Sharma's The Monk who sold his Ferrari. I hardly had begun to read it before I noticed that it was all in my own hands. Why had I forgotten all about that? It's amazing how fast one can slip. Stray. I get up again. I decide to do my best and not slip again. I decide to return to my posts, to reflect over life and why it is important to live as well as we can.

I claim this house

2011-03-02T20:59:00.002+02:00

Traces of somebody else
in my home.
Is she still here?
Am I sleeping
in her bed?
Drinking
from her glass?
Was that perfume you gave me
Hers?

It is strange
how somebody so vividly can
Stay.
Go.
Go away.
I claim this house.
I claim my home.

Poem of the day

2011-02-03T16:07:00.003+02:00

Yes, I saw them sail.
Ships that came into the harbour and left again.
Becoming smaller and smaller
as they reached for the sinking sun.
In some ways, they left me feeling empty.
In others, I felt filled with hope.
As I saw them lift their anchors
I felt free.
I wished it could have been me.

The key to interaction

2011-01-18T11:39:00.002+02:00

Many things we can overcome with love, with compassion, with understanding. Often we need to push our own ego aside to make things work. When did people get so big egos anyway? Sometimes, I admit, the ego helps us on the way. It pushes us forward when we need to go the extra mile for something we really want. It helps us achieve things. That is alright, that is great. But when it comes to people, the ego should be put aside. That's when we should add a big portion of love, compassion and understanding and mix them well. That is, I believe, the key to interaction.

Charades are for the theater, let's leave the play on the scene

2010-12-09T17:50:00.003+02:00

I went to a great seminar today. It gave me much more than I had expected and in a totally different way.

It was all about being who you are in a world of charades. When everybody else is playing something they are not, the way to stand out is to be one's true self.

I buy it. I believe it.

It was also about helping others be who they truly are. By helping others, even those you compete with, will make you stronger and greater. In a way it is a very humane way of thinking.

It was all about the business world. A traditionally cold world. The thought of being able to soften it - and for it to be allowed - triggers me in some way. I do not believe in the coldness of any world, including the business one. Charades are for the theater, let's leave the play on the scene.

So how about it? Are we brave enough to be ourselves, even in the harsh world of business life? Are we certain enough to leave our masks behind? After all, take a look around you. A soft spot in the boardroom could stand out in a positive way.

We modify life as we live it

2010-11-23T11:54:00.003+02:00

It is all in the will to grow, right? Obstacles will show their face and life will hit us, some harder than others. What is the true meaning of life, if not doing ones best to evolve, grow, learn? The path that is behind us has its impact on the one ahead, but it does not define it. With every step taken there is a chance to choose the direction of where we want life to take us. We modify life as we live it. Trace the path of the past and choose where you want it to lead. It is truly in our hands.

What happened between now and then

2010-11-07T17:38:00.004+02:00

I never knew it could be this easy
And I still struggle with believing
As I rest my head on your arm
and watch you slowly wake up
You turn your head and open your eyes
I watch them light up
and I watch you smile.

What happened between now and then
I cannot say.
Suddenly so many things seem light years away.
Suddenly it is all right. The pieces have fallen into their place.
The pain is gone and as I try to remember how it made me feel - I can't.
It is gone, gone, gone. (And I feel, you will never let it return.)

All the love I carry within, it has had to make room for more of it.
A great space is filled by my love for you. I never knew.
Easy. Yes, that is the word for it.
When it feels it always was and it always will be.
When my head rests on your arm as it always would have.
When I feel I know your smile from ages ago.

Did we walk this path before? Were you always by my side?

It surely cannot be about winning Trivial Pursuit

2010-10-27T21:19:00.003+03:00

I have started seeing things clearly again. I feel I again have entered some kind of state that allows me to see what's behind the corner. I like it, it feels good. At the same time it's disturbing. What am I supposed to do with that skill?

It has started again like it often does. I suddenly see things in front of me, even though they are about to happen. Or I see what's written on the next page before turning it. It does come quite handy, it allows me to win Trivial Pursuit. However. That cannot be the reason behind it.

I guess many of us would like to be able to say, this is what I'm supposed to do with my life, this is the skill set I was given and that is the reason for it. But it oftentimes is not that simple. I'd like to believe that it is enough to do one's best, to be a good fellow human-being, a good friend, a mother, a father, a sister or brother. A kind neighbor, a friendly co-worker. But the thought leaves me feeling a bit empty. What about these skills that turn up every now and then? It surely cannot be about winning Trivial Pursuit.

Only by closing our eyes

2010-10-06T23:29:00.002+03:00

Isn't it strange
How pieces fall into their place
When everything else is falling
apart.
You feel safe
(I never knew I wanted that)
as I wrap myself around you
warming you
as much as myself.
Isn't it strange
How things suddenly feel so right?
(I dreamed of you last night)
You make me believe
that we often get what we need
Instead of what we thought we wanted.
I never knew about wanting you
And that is the point, I believe.
Sometimes we are better off
just by letting life take its course.
Only by closing our eyes
life will teach us how to see.

Happiness

2010-09-23T00:47:00.002+03:00

Love
(Yes, it is easy.)
Autumn leaves
(Why is it colour makes me smile?)
My new sofa
(Green and soft. Beautiful. Perfect for lazy Sundays.)
A nice cup of espresso when it's still dark outside
(Yes, and I don't even care for the company, me and my coffee will be enough.)
Friends
(I love you all.)
Memories
(Many of them connected with love. No wonder they make me happy.)
Music
(It fills me up and it puts me in motion.)
A sudden text message from someone I love
(Isn't that the nicest little sign saying "I just thought of you for no particular reason".)
Poetry
(There is so much magic in poetry. Reading it, writing it. A poets heart is the happiest when suffering.)
Warm socks when it's cold outside
(It makes me feel loved, isn't that strange?)
Silence falling between us
(I know. It just feels so beautiful sometimes. All the things our minds and hearts can fill those gaps with? Souls speaking to each other while no-one says a word.)
making room for more memories
Travelling
(Opening mind and heart for new experiences, it is equal to love for life.)
Strangers
(Yes, they are the same. It is wonderful to fall in love, for mere seconds, with the people passing in the streets.)
Laughter
(Yes. Laugh again.)
A warm paw on my face
(Love at its best, unconditionally.)
Dancing
(For letting my soul run free!)
Movement
(Yes. Don't stop.)
Smiles
(By anyone. It is magic.)
Waking up next to you
(I guess it has to do with love, but also with sharing. Almost like being let in on a secret. Watching you sleep for a while,)
Rain
(Beautiful.)
Waves
(Making me dream.)
Photographs
(Memories.)

(So many things, small in themselves, growing bigger, though. It all leads back to love. Love for people, life, you. Faith in tomorrow. Anticipation. Not knowing.)

Music

2010-09-19T10:18:00.002+03:00

So much great music right now out there. Yesterday I got myself a nice dose of a mixture of ambiance-jazz-rap. I'm telling you, works like medicine for any given state of mind.

I have passed the junction and now i feel someone pushed the fast-forward. Sometimes it takes years for the lock to open, but when it does, change may come in one night.

For me it all started in June when I changed jobs. Suddenly everything that had been at a standstill for years opened up and started twirling me around. I just let go and was pushed forward by the flow of life. It happens, you know. And all it takes is some faith and courage to once in a while raise your hands and say: Take me where you want me to go.

Here's Redrama with one of his excellent works of art, Music.

I find myself at a junction

2010-09-12T20:48:00.002+03:00

I'm usually the one who falls asleep the second I rest my head on the pillow. This week I have tossed and turned two nights. Why? I'm not sure. I just know that the thoughts in my mind won't stop shooting around like there would be a bunch of bees in there between my ears. I hope tonight will be better.

I guess I am at a point where things are at a standstill just before everything goes off and an explosion changes everything. I can feel it. I just need to stay where I am and see, whether it tips over to one side or the other. I won't move, I won't hardly even breath. I guess that is why my mind can't find peace, as I find myself at a junction.

It's strange how we so often sense these things. I approach the situation with the same mentality as very often in other situations, I take a step back, look at the view and go with the flow. I believe firmly that when we let go, when we close our eyes and let go, that's when destiny grabs hold of us and pushes us in the direction we are supposed to move. It might bring joy, it might bring suffering, but it also will be one of the turns we were supposed to take, and later on we will see it all as clearly as ever, it all made sense.

Well if we're lucky, that is. Mickey, a taxi driver I talked to in Thailand a couple of years ago, had the best recipe for how to deal with life. "We cannot know what life will bring us, we can only try to do good things, and good things will come back to us."

Say it. I'm listening.

2010-09-01T23:04:00.003+03:00

I never forgot
How could I have?
They all stayed. All those things that were there. They still are.
A lot of waves have rolled in
A lot of me has rolled out to the sea
A lot of you.
Still it is all there. Me. You.

It was never nothing.
Instead it always was something. Something able to shake. Move.
Yes. A lot has changed and so have we.
All it ever took was the ability to see
That things - even though different - were unchanged
That the difference between then and now
Could be uttered in a word.
Say it. I'm listening.

Sometimes it all is so clear. When everything is in place it might be hard to believe. That nothing is missing.
Things are moving. And sometimes the world around us seems to move faster than we are. Should we hurry? Should we wait? Will the moment pass? Will it be out of place? Will it be too late?
Life won't wait but hearts will. Love will. You'll see.

It takes a brave man to jump. It takes a bold woman to fall. Well we don't need no parachutes.

Setting goals

2010-08-21T11:16:00.004+03:00

This fall I have seen a few goals be reached. Wow. It's almost like I had thought they never would? Now I am standing here with two empty hands, hands yelling "Fill us up, give us something new!".

One of the goals I reached was one that I have been carrying inside me for as long as I can remember. I finished and sent a manuscript to a publishing house. In many ways, it was a partial goal that I reached, since that in no way means I will get it published. But still it felt like raising a child and seeing it move on, seeing it start its on life. Now I'm waiting to see, what kind of a life that child will manage to create for itself.

It is important to have goals and it is, I believe, what makes us go further, what makes us make them happen. So I often write them in my calendar or diary. I choose a date and I say "by this time I will have finished or done this and that". They don't need to be huge things, I for example cannot write a book twice a year, but smaller things as well, things that will make us happy. My goals for this year were to book myself a vacation - which I did, and Vietnam gave me all I wished for and beyond - to find myself a new job - and here I am, loving every day because I get to wake up and go to the office where I have found myself truly happy - to finish my manuscript for the book. Things happen when we write them down. That's when the spin is created.

And a side-note:
My calendar is the Courage one by Paulo Coelho. Today I read a passage from it, saying that "Yesterday's pain is the warrior's strength", that is from the Manual of Warrior of light. Yes, isn't that a great thought? I love that thought as it states that all of as can be strong by letting ourselves be fortified by the pain we've felt.

Lots of love and strength to all of you, let's make things happen!

when I start checking the boxes

2010-08-09T00:02:00.002+03:00

This summer I've been realizing things. A season of realization. I've felt moments of clarity, when my own actions and the reasons behind them suddenly have been truly clear to me. It's always strange to notice, how one can trick oneself into things, with totally different premises than one would think. But it does good to see those things. It helps one to learn about oneself.

I've also noticed something this summer. I've noticed that the more things we make happen ourselves, the faster the things around us will move. When waiting for things to happen, they never do, that is something we all can agree on, right? When deciding for ourselves that we won't sit and wait, life will start catching speed around us. I feel like being inside a whirlwind right now. And it is moving faster and faster. I've started it. I pushed the button myself by deciding I won't wait. Life can be at a standstill and boring, I don't care, because I'm in motion.

What do I need to be happy? Love, friends, family and a passion for what I do. Love - well yes I do love, so that is enough, isn't it? As long as I keep blowing love into life I will be happy. Come love back at me or not. Friends - so many of them and as many of them so close to my heart. It makes me so happy to see them joyful, content. I am lucky when it comes to the people in my life. I feel I hit the jackpot. Somebody must be smiling at me from above. Family - yes, please let it stay safe and happy. Having them close to the heart helps when they are far away. Passion. That is as easy as love. It is what makes me get up in the morning and it is what makes me feel strong and capable. Because when there is a flow of passion it is all clear. No questions to be answered, no uncertainties. I follow the line that my heart has already painted. Easy.

Here I am. Happy and content. And when I start checking the boxes, there is not much that has happened around me, but within me. And with all the energy oozing through my skin, through my mouth, from my fingers - I feel love has guided me again. I feel I can't go wrong as long as I have it filling my heart, lighting my soul.

Do you have a destination?

2010-07-26T23:21:00.002+03:00

Destination:
1. the predetermined end of a journey or voyage

2. the ultimate end or purpose for which something is created or a person is destined
(The Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia)

A few days ago I was making my way out from a train station, a long way from where I am now.
When I was about to cross the road outside the station building, I was stopped by an old man.

"Do you have a destination?" he asked me.
I wasn't sure what he meant. I was AT my destination, leaving the train station, not entering it.
"Excuse me?" I said.
"Do you have a destination?" the man said again.
"I'm sorry, i don't know what you mean." I didn't, and I walked away.
It hit me later on. Maybe he asked me about my destination in life, maybe it was only me who immediately connected the question to the travel I had done. And it left me thinking. Did I have a destination? Do I?

I'm not sure. I want to live my life trying to be as a good of a person as possible. I share my love that is often over-flowing, I try to be kind, just, helpful. And I kind of have always thought these things will in the end, give me a good life and a happy one. That I will feel fulfilled. So what do I need a destination for? Maybe I do. Maybe that was the point.

Everything is illuminated

2010-07-14T23:46:00.003+03:00

Always when in Italy, I am put against the same problem: Which books to buy, when luggage is limited and there are billions of great, cheap books all around you. Italians know how to set the price for a book. I am like a kid in a candystore when in Italy. All over the place there are bookstores and bookstores and bookstores, filled with the most marvelous treasures!

Today I left one of those stores with two books in my hand. I had, as very often these past days, spent the morning shopping around in one of them. The burning sun outside wasn't enough for me to leave the freshness of the store and it's many-coloured "lecca leccas" (lollipops) - books that is. Very pleased with my purchases I felt the Italian version of Jonathan Safran Foer's Everything is illuminated and as well the Italian version of Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage (O diário de um mago) burning in my hands. Ogni cosa è Illuminato and Il cammino di Santiago.

The first one I had to get - it is, by far, one of the best books ever written and not a second will be wasted when reading it, instead, it will open your soul and it will let the magic find its way inside. The second one I have, oddly enough, never read. But as I got the special edition of the book, the covers will match the calendars of 2009 and 2010 as well as the book "Love" with graphics by Catalina Estrada. (Please have a look at Catalina's website, showing her beautiful style.)

Yes, it was a good day.

Pics of the day

2010-07-12T14:03:00.004+03:00

The best thing with being on a vacation is that the level of inspiration always goes up. Here are some pics from yesterday.

No good with faces

2010-07-05T22:56:00.002+03:00

Jack --
Do you remember when all magic required, was to suddenly hear you sing on the radio?
I always felt so blessed, even knowing,
that I could have picked up the album from the pile on my stereo
and listened to those same songs.
Any time.
I always found a song to go
with my mood swings, rising up, going down.
There were you. Singing those words that I needed you to.
Jack --
Something happened and it left me
gasping for air for a few moments.
Maybe you grew up, or maybe it was me.
Maybe we both did?
Or maybe you moving on
to more ordinary things
didn't match my mood swings.
No more.
And as I turned up the volume
to better grasp your lyrics
I was left in what felt like a silly space
between then and now.
I felt the magic return
I felt the magic return
No good with faces and I'm bad with names.
One single line could have done it for me, but it continued,
leading me further down the road
that we walked so many times
contemplating life.
Jack --
Let's not be afraid of our reflections.
I knew you would return, if not for long,
then even for the length of one song.

It is easier to be brave, when not afraid

2010-06-26T22:40:00.005+03:00

One of the first stories my parents read to me was Who will comfort Toffle? by Tove Jansson. Little Toffle, who was afraid of the world outside, but too afraid of being alone to have the courage to stay inside. Leaving his home to encounter the world, but again feeling too shy to make new friends. But sometimes it doesn't require more than a a scared Toffle to be the brave one for someone else. It was a story that made me feel a bit scared, a bit sad, and finally, happy. It was all about being brave, even though inside you're scared. Strangely enough, that is the theme I've been stumbling upon during the last few days. It is not matched by the feelings inside of me, so it leaves me puzzled, for now.

So a few days ago I bought a card (Yes, a Moomin one) saying "It certainly is easier to be brave, when not afraid".
I instantly thought of those people in my life that always seem so brave. Grabbing all bulls by their horns, without a shadow of a doubt. I am not like that. At least not consequently so.

I must admit, I sometimes fake it when I'm too afraid to be as brave as the situation requires. I make believe I am somebody else, somebody I know would be brave. It makes it a bit easier. It makes it easier to forget about being afraid and instead opening up for being more brave.

On the other hand. Toffle was so afraid, yet when meeting somebody even more afraid, he seemed very brave in comparison. From zero to hero, just by changing the point of view. And I bet that made Toffle a bit more brave, a bit less afraid, in the end.

I feel joy by just looking at you, he said

2010-06-13T02:26:00.003+03:00

I feel joy by just looking at you, he said
and seemed genuinely glad
He already imagined dance floors
Where we would have our twirl.
Let's have a chat,
I'm sad it's been so long
So we checked our calendars and agreed
to catch up as weekend dawned.

Next thing I know
I see him out in the rain.
Lifting a cigarette to his mouth,
letting the umbrella spin.
The rain hit hard on the streets
as I ran closer in four inch heels
I lifted my hand to greet him
as the car pulled in.
Oh, he said, it's my girlfriend
and pointed at the car
I was left baffled,
Too good we never got that far.

I already can hear my mother say
He had no clue what was good for him anyway
Twisting between exes and you
If you ask me, he'd never do.

I guess my mother would be right
I guess I'll have to forget about this night.
Turn to those who genuinely choose
To let go of the past and move on to what's new.

A moment of pleasure

2010-06-12T00:03:00.002+03:00

It was half past eleven and the sky was clear and light. I just love these summer evenings. The sun never sets - it feels like magic. It makes me feel so lucky. So, anyway, there I was, pushing forward on the bike. I still tasted the red wine on my lips and I was again mesmerized by the magic of life, love, summer and a never setting sun. If painted like a cartoon, it would have showed my hair blowing in the wind, butterflies surrounding me as I bicycled towards home. Because that was the feeling. The sky was pink and the air was warm.

Suddenly I saw her. She just laid there, in the middle of the street. Any car could have ran her over. Her head resting on the ground. Was she sleeping? Was she...dead? I jumped of the bike as quick as I could and ran over to her.
- Excuse me, Ma'am, are you OK?
Her eyes popped open. I wasn't sure I was awake anymore.
- I will help you get up. Are you hurting somewhere? There is blood on your forehead.
I stretched out my hand and took hers. It was warm.
She couldn't speak. She tried to say something, but it didn't come out right.
- Here, grab my hands, I'll pull you up.
She tried to take my hands, but had no strength to pull herself up.
- I want to go home, she suddenly murmured, Please help me get home.
I wasn't sure if the lady was drunk or having some kind of seizure.
- I'll help you get home.
I made an emergency call. The first one in my life. As I called I tried to help the lady sit upright. I had not enough strength to lift her up.
As I was talking on the phone a young man pulled up on his bike. He immediately grabbed the lady by her waist and pulled her up. A car pulled in. A foreigner stepped out.
- Do you need help?
- I'm getting help right now on the phone!
There we were, four strangers in the night. One old lady (and yes, she had had a few too many drinks), one very helpful, handsome foreigner (I'm guessing Spanish), one young man, and me, a girl with butterflies in her hair. We chatted with the old lady who was thankful for having been saved. She wanted to hug all of us. As she hugged the handsome foreigner she laughed out loud, nodding approvingly. The foreigner looked at me, waiting for a translation.
- She's totally feeling you, I said. He smiled.
The old lady continued nodding approvingly.
- Very big muscles, she then said and laughed again.
We all did.

It took forever for help to arrive, but as it finally did, we said goodbye to the old lady and looked at each other. It was easy to see, there were three sets of glimmering eyes - we had just shared an odd moment of pleasure beneath the clear summer sky.

Luck favours the prepared

2010-06-08T13:52:00.002+03:00

Apparently Louis Pasteur said "luck favours the prepared" and this quote got me and a friend reflecting on things one late night a few weeks ago.
We came up with a hypothetical theory of how to prepare luck to throw in a man in this single life.

As a single lady in her best years - at least that's the way we'd like to see things - one has to start making efforts. Until now I have more or less relied on life to in one of its twists and turns make me stumble upon that man with the capital M. Well, after being very single indeed for the last few years, it is time to realize something: It might not happen. And this is the backdrop to the theory. If my very social life isn't social enough to get myself to finding a better half, I'd better start doing something about it. Preparing the path for luck to make its move.

And it goes something like this (Did you just hear that said by the voice of Madonna? Yeah, me too!):
We probably need a few more ways of preparing luck than one, but let's start at the end. I don't expect luck to come in tomorrow with the first Man it could find, I am ready to allow it some time to find the best possible man for me. Let's say within a year or so. And what would I like to happen in a year or so? Well, it would be very nice to find myself on a romantic weekend in a romantic city. I always wanted to go to Vienna, but have for some reason never gotten there. So a romantic vacation in that beautiful city would really be nice. And not too much to ask for, I think, it could be doable.

So if I want to be spending a romantic weekend in Vienna in let's say May 2011, what do I need? A hotel room, for sure. I mean flights are difficult to prepare, not knowing from where one would be travelling, but a hotel room is something one can make reservations for without having to be filled in on any other information.

I could, in other words, make that reservation. For two, in a romantic getaway in Vienna, for a weekend in May 2011. That would be being quite prepared, right?

A thousand years

2010-05-27T22:40:00.002+03:00

This is possibly the best song ever made (OK, I might have said that before about something else, but every time I mean it.) and it lifts me up to heights I never want to descend from. It takes me so low down I feel I will never be able to get up. It breaks my heart and it builds up my soul. It is strength and weakness in one, it is magic and ordinary, it is the future and the past. It is me. It is you.

Here is another song by Sting, one that I love almost as much. So full of pain, but at the same time so liberating. I remember listening to it and being filled by an intense feeling of freedom. The lyrics are extraordinary! He is ingenious, this man. I'm not sure how a person gets to the point of writing a song like this one. And as I listen to it, I feel it tearing up old wounds. It is strange how some feelings are attached to certain pieces of music. It's alright. I'll let it flow.

Well it's five in the morning and the light's already broken
And the rainy streets are empty for nobody else has woken
Yet you turn towards the window as he sleeps beneath the covers
And you wonder what he's dreaming in his slumbers

There's a clock upon the table and it's burning up the hour
And you feel your life is shrinking like the petals of a flower
As you creep towards the closet you're so careful not to wake him
And you choose the cotton dress you bought last summer

There's a time of indecision between the bedroom and the door
But the part of you that knows that you can't take it any more
There's the promise of the future in the creaking of the floor
And you're torn if you should leave him with a number

And in your imagination you're a thousand miles away
Because too many of his promises got broken on the way
So you write it in a letter all the things you couldn't say
And you tell him that you're never coming home

She starts running for the railway station praying that her calculation's right
And there's a train just waiting there to get her to the city before night
A place to sleep a place to stay will get her through another day
She'll take a job she'll find a friend she'll make a life that's better

The passengers ignore her just a girl with an umbrella
And there's nothing they can do for her, there's nothing they can tell her
There's nothing they could ever say would change the way she feels today
She'd live the life she'd always dreamed if he had only let her

Now in her imagination she's a million miles away
When too many of his promises got broken on the way
So she wrote it in a letter all the things she couldn't say
And she told him she was never coming home
She told him she was never coming home

I wake up in an empty bed a road drill hammers in my head
I call her name there's no reply it's not like her to let me lie
It's time for work it's time to go but something's different I don't know
I need a cup of coffee I'll feel better

I stumble to the bathroom door, her make up bag is on the floor
It really is a mess this place it takes some time to shave my face
I'm not really thinking straight she never lets me sleep this late
I'm almost done and then I see the letter

In his imagination she's a universe away
Too many of his promises got broken on the way
So she wrote it in a letter all things she couldn't say
And she told him she was never coming home,
She told him she was never coming home,
She told him she was never coming home

I'm gonna live my life
And she told him she was never coming home
I'm gonna live my life in my own way

Lyrics: www. sting.com

He saw her before she had spotted him

2010-05-20T22:34:00.003+03:00

He saw her before she had spotted him. It was a long time since they had met the last time. Some five, six years he counted. He watched her rush towards the statue where they had agreed to meet. He felt his heart pounding. Why, he wasn't too sure about that. He wasn't supposed to have any feelings for her anymore. He knew she did. It had always been written all over her that she did.

It was the anxiety. Of seeing her again. In his mind he already felt her close to his chest. In his mind he already felt her scent.

They had been playing for too long. That's what it felt like. But how do you stop playing? It still must have given them something, right? It was 14 years since they had met for the first time. Fourteen! He shook his head. She took a right turn and was now waiting at a red light. She still had not seen him. Sure, there had been times when they during these fourteen years had found each other longing for another. Most of the time out of sync, though. Most of the times without really discussing it. The last few times they had met for stop-overs or weekends he had felt like being the one on top of the situation. She was down on her knees and he, he had felt nothing. Not really. I mean yes, sure he felt his blood rush through the whole body when he saw her, not to mention touching her. But he hadn't had any silly ideas about the two of them being together, like a couple, out in the open. She, on the other hand, she was eating out of his hand. I bet she still is, he thought.

The light was still red. His blood was still pumping. He watched her look up and their eyes met. Wow! It was an explosion that took place inside of him! The blood rushed so fast that the only thing he could hear was a swooshing sound. He felt dizzy for a few seconds. Her face lit up and so did his. My God! She looked just the same as she had when he had boarded that plane five years ago, minus the teary eyes. He lifted his hand and waved at her. She did the same, smiling the whole time.

The lights finally changed and she started walking towards him. he took a few leaps to get to her faster. From a short distance she already shouted her "Hi!". Oh my God. Was it really five years ago since he had heard her voice so close?

Suddenly she was there, in his arms. She looked at him and that smile of hers lighted up her face, and his too, he was sure. "Hi", he said. "I'm glad you came". In his mind he was calculating. All these years they had been on their own, both of them. How many years could they already have had something else than stolen weekends in big cities? No - why am I thinking this? He confused himself. And so did feeling the scent of her hair. They were not supposed to be, it wasn't written.

So many things had always stayed the same, but one thing surely had changed. For the first time during these fourteen years he was afraid. Afraid she might not love him anymore. The feeling left him feeling so alone.

"I'm freezing, let's go have a coffee, yeah?" Her eyes surely did not give anything away as she smiled at him, still being just a few inches away from him. "Yeah, let's." It was all he said. In his mind he just thought "please still love me."

It was the softest of touches

2010-05-19T23:12:00.003+03:00

It was the softest of touches.
I gently wrapped my fingers around your hand.
Watching you sleep.
With that gentle touch I wanted so much.
I wanted you to feel safe. I wanted to put you in a place of ease. I wanted to let you know that all my love, with that touch, was handed out to you.
I didn't want you to wake up, instead I wanted for you to get a notion of peace.
I wanted for you to continue breathing with ease.

One touch.
A gentle touch.
That was all.
No need for anything else.
No need for legs tangled, for hands pulling bodies closer.
No need.

Summer, please stay!

2010-05-16T23:46:00.003+03:00

I was away for four days and the summer arrived as soon as I stepped onto foreign ground. Yes, you can have it, I am not bitter! I got my internal summer and the rest of you got it outside, win-win, right?

Travelling and getting to hug those people you love but haven't seen for a long time always makes me think about relations, about love, about how happy I should be. Once again that happened. Once again I was reminded of the importance of doing our best to keep the people we love in our lives. That doesn't come by itself, you know. It requires work. And another point I'd like to make: Please don't ditch people out of your lives just because the boyfriend-girlfriend-relationship ended, or because of any other reason. Not if they are important to you.

I am quite good at keeping my loved ones close. I am glad I am. No casting in my life for certain roles, I can love you today as a friend, tomorrow as a lover and the day after that as a person. I think that's my secret, actually. The people I love are the ones that make me the person I am. They are the ones that keep me from falling. They are the ones that give that ordinary day a silver lining.

Thank you, I love you.

Signs of spring?

2010-05-09T10:43:00.004+03:00

Yes, I am still waiting (oh how slowly time goes when waiting!) for my spring to be here!
Yesterday was a clear sign of summer, though. Latin rhythms, five inch heals and a hot dance floor. It is the worst and the best at the same time when the floor is so crowded that one has no space where to put one's feet, let alone dance. But oh, how enjoyable that was anyway!

Here are my collected signs of this week. The light is at its best when the sky starts to clear up after a shower. Now we're almost there.

It leaves me honored

2010-05-04T22:07:00.003+03:00

Tonight I was lucky enough to have someone sharing their inner thoughts, their secrets of life, their plans for the future with me. As always, it leaves me honored. However - I don't feel big enough. I don't feel serious enough. I don't feel enough. I feel small, so small. And yet so happy that I am given the kind of trust it requires to have stories of life revealed to someone. When I hear about these tragedies, these stories of loss, of disappointment, of life showing its darkest shades.

I never understand how people can be the most optimistic, the most forward looking, after dealing with the biggest tragedies. I'm not sure I could. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of such pain. I have had my share, and it is - thank God - not even close to what some people have had to go through. And somehow they manage to come out stronger on the other side!

In times like these I wish more than ever, that there really is a reason to it all. I want to believe there is.

I am left a bit speechless tonight. What is there to say? How could I ever understand? How could I ever even commence to grasp it? There is no way. And suddenly I feel so small with my in comparison tiny obstacles in life. They sometimes drag me down and leave me on the ground, gasping. Not so strong after all, right?

Life comes in big portions, good and bad. Sometimes they seem too big to chew. Hang in there, everyone. Let's have faith, after all, there is not much else.

I need something nice and easy to round up with. Jovanotti's Baciami ancora is just that. I checked the soundtrack to the movie by the same name and I see it contains a few other favourites, Citizen Cope, to name one.

She walked in a bit gray, miss May

2010-05-01T10:13:00.007+03:00

She walked in a bit gray,
I must say, this miss May wasn't
what I'd expected her to be
Such a sunny thing, they say
But not this time, I thought
and threw a glance at this babe
She seems so colorless, so vague
Is this really the real miss May?
Usually arriving with flowers in bloom
Oh dear, is she gonna look like that all afternoon?
I bet all she needs is a little sun,
a little sun does wonders to anyone!
Please miss May, don't look that way
We've waited for you for such a long time
I promise you, let's get some sun and it'll all be fine!

Spring takes a long time coming this year.

Note: level of accomplishment: 3/3.

Oh yes, he had a whole lot of catching up to do

2010-04-22T21:37:00.003+03:00

The old man took one step back from the point where he was standing. He took a last look at the picture on the shelf. It had been there for a long, long time. As a tear rolled down his cheek he lifted the hammer and aimed it well. The glass shattered in a thousand pieces. The man placed the hammer gently on the bedside table as he walked out from the room. Soon he returned with a broom and a dustpan. He felt his back hurt as he bent down to sweep up the glass.

He thought he would have felt sadness, loss, but he didn't. He thought about that later on, as he had sat down to smoke a cigarette. He had shed one single tear. One. All of these years filled with sadness, agony and pain. They ended while shedding one tear.

He had loved her so much. It had caused him pain for so many years. Losing her. Living without her. As he sat there, smoking his cigarette, he thought about all the years he had lost as well. Grieving. Losing her again and again and again. Breaking his heart by trying to find a way to get her back. All those years.

And now. It was all gone. The pain had disappeared the moment he smashed her picture into pieces. It was almost like the pain had been trapped within that frame. Like he had kept it there by keeping the frame on the same shelf. Since the day she walked out the door and never came back.

"I'm an old man", he thought. "I have wasted my life." He always blamed her. Every day he had woken up thinking "Why did she do that to me. How did she dare do that to me, the person who had loved her forever?" Every night he had gone to bed hoping to wake up, finding her next to him, finding it'd all been a dream.

Now for the first time in 37 years he felt free. He opened the closet and let his fingers touch every single piece of clothing inside. He had worn the same gray clothes for years now. He suddenly felt like spicing it up somewhat.

The read shirt had fit him better years ago, but he still liked the feel of it. The brown velvet blazer still fit, more or less. He added the hat. The hat that he had bought for their honeymoon. That didn't disturb him now, as he was walking out the door. He was on his way to the bar on the opposite side of the street. He had seen some fine women dining there a few nights ago. Who knew, maybe one of them fancied a drink and maybe a stroll down the pier. Oh yes, he had a whole lot of catching up to do.

Prepare for perfection

2010-04-15T22:10:00.005+03:00

Stop what you are doing! Prepare for perfection! Press play and enjoy!
Lowe does it for me, both in sound and visuals. This is one of the best songs ever made, if you ask me, it is ingenious.

BTW, level of accomplishment: 2/3

How is that working for you?

2010-04-13T23:25:00.003+03:00

I often nowadays feel like moving in circles. I get up, get forward, turn right, turn right again, walk straight, turn right - and here I am again, exactly where I started. I must be doing something wrong, right? I often hear the very Dr. Phil-ish question in my head: "How is that working for you?". Well, a lot of things don't. At all. I keep finding myself in the same situations all the time. I keep passing the same mark over and over. It's the one saying "So we're back again, eih?" And yet I feel it is not because of my choices, but because of those of others. Well, that is not true, of course. But how can we fix things when we have no clue what to do about it?

I am often jealous of people with therapists. I'd want one. I'd love to have an unbiased person to reflect on my life and my choices in it. Heaven on a couch.

I know my biggest problem. I always put myself second. I put everybody else before myself. Why? (That is my inner Dr. Phil speaking.) Well, mostly because I don't want to make anybody feel bad. I do my best until I break and that's when things escalate. My second problem is that I seem to be a magnet when it comes to people I have no interest in. Suddenly they are there, going that extra mile for my sake, expecting me to do the same. Problem? I don't want to make them feel bad. (I've heard that before, says Dr. Phil.) And again I find myself in a situation unbearable.

Sometimes life is all about personal growth, about spiritual growth, about change, about taking chances. Often it's about winning and losing, getting one step forward and two steps back, then two steps forward again. It's about movement. Or at least that's how I'd like it to be.

I am not a cynical person. Yet this year I've felt the cynicism creeping under my skin. I blame a long and dark winter. (Can I?) I often wonder how this time of my life will feel in ten years. It is amazing how many things change in ten years, or even just five. And then some things never change, they stay the same. I guess we should be happy about having some stability, right? Yet confirmation on having made the right choices would also be appreciated. Last year and the one before that was much about love for me. This year, we'll see. I will keep breathing out unease and breathing in love. I promise. Until then I'll do my best to put myself in situations where life feels good. I'm working on a couple of them. Dreaming is such a wonderful thing.

And I have given myself some kind of motivation as well. When I finally arrive at the point of ease, when that mark is behind me for the last time, I'll treat myself with confirmation. I already see a lotus flower symbolizing purity, spiritual awakening, progress of the soul, reaching the surface and good luck.

3-step happiness

2010-04-06T20:01:00.002+03:00

I remember those days when I had the chance to travel and meet people and get paid for it. That was often enough to make me happy. In my very stationery job of today I miss it even more than I thought I would. However, back then I had no chance to dance like I do now. I guess we all need to give some to get some.

Dancing is really one of the biggest joys of my life. I often say dancing makes me happier than any other thing ever could. Gone is the stress, the unease, the uncertainty of tomorrow. I breath in joy and breath out happiness. It's fulfillment.

With Easter in between I have spent a few days away from the dance floor, and in came the unease again. It was almost like opening a window and feeling the cold. This time around I have done my best to find a fix. It's called making a plan and I hope it will bring me a 3-step happiness.

Step 1: Making a plan
Why is it making plans makes us happy? I can't really tell when it comes to anyone else, but for me it's easy. It's about knowing a tiny bit of what the future will hold. My plan is all about a trip to one of the few places I truly love.

Step 2: Travelling
Yes, for me it always helps getting away. The further the better. It would be an easy nut to chew for any psychiatrist: I probably feel like leaving all my problems, all of my unease at home when going away. It makes me think though, maybe it would be better to take it with me and leave it somewhere far away from home? No wonder I always have all the drama waiting for me when I get back. And yes, this fix will include travelling.

Step 3: Being creative and/or enabling personal growth
It is my quick fix, not sure if it works for everybody. Being creative is what makes me feel free - almost as free as when dancing. Adding the possibility to learn, to grow, to evolve makes it even better for me. Some kind of course or activity that demands learning and practicing. That will make me come out of it like a new person in many ways. I will feel I am an improved version of myself and I will feel happy for having had the possibility to create something. Very therapeutic, and with some luck it will leave a mark on the curriculum as well. So that's definitely the activity planned and I cannot wait to finalize these 3 steps on my way to happiness.

Finalizing: 1. Write down and check the possibility - 2. Book the tickets - 3. Make the reservation.
Level of accomplishment: 1/3

Sometimes I need to remind myself

2010-04-05T11:47:00.002+03:00

It isn't always going fine. That is how life is, right? Sometimes I find myself struggling with reality, with the fact that there are aspects to my life that are in such a messy state. At times like those I need to remind myself about breathing in love and breathing out unease.

Unease. A word that describes me quite well at times. Restlessness. A feeling of needing to know the point at which I will feel ease. That scarcely happens, does it, for people like me? Instead I feel en even greater unease out of thinking that the people I surround me with are so at ease, so harmonious, so in control.

Yes, I'd like to feel in control at some point. Feel that my life is in my hands. I can already hear some say "of course it is". Well, I guess that's easy to say. I feel it's quite hard to realize. At a sunny beach far away from my current place of being someone told me "We all are where we are in life because we have put us there ourselves." That is a naive way of looking at life, I'd say. Yes, at times we can make the decisions ourselves, about turning left or right. At times, though, other people's actions put the waves in motion, and those waves might push us over or put our lives in motion as well. And our waves will have the same effect on somebody else's life. No man is an island. If you believe you always can stand firmly on your two feet without being affected by other people's choices and actions - you are living in denial.

I am no island. And at this point I am being caught in a restless sea. As I see it, my choice is a matter of how to react on the unease this time. I choose to try to obtain an optimistic outlook on life. At some point I believe, life will show us what the great turning points were all about. Until then we will just need to have faith.

Finally some signs of spring

2010-04-02T11:27:00.005+03:00

This spring has been trying to come for a long time now. But finally some signs have been spotted. I feel the spring in the air and now as well in my closet.

I love you

2010-03-26T22:39:00.003+02:00

He watched her lay there on the grass, just an inch away from him. Her eyes were closed, those long lashes creating as long shadows.
He wanted to touch her. Just for a moment, just to feel she really was there, next to him.

It was a long time since the first time they had been laying on the grass in that same park. He was in love with her then, as he still was. He still loved her. She still didn't love him. Or at least he was quite sure. And this time around, just as the first, he wanted to tell her so badly that his heart pounded in his chest. "Like a mad man's fist", she used to say. Yes, like a mad man's fist.

Why it had been so hard to tell, he wasn't sure. He had loved her forever and he thought she must have known, forever. Wasn't it obvious? Yes, he believed it was. And there she was, with her back against the ground, with her eyes slightly moving behind closed eyelids. Just an inch away from his touch.

What if I just kissed her? He had been kissing her for years in his mind, in his dreams. In his dreams her lips were soft. In his dreams he placed his hand on her neck and pulled her closer. As she kept her eyes closed, he leaned slightly forward, just enough to feel her breath on his face. Oh, how many times he had been dreaming about waking up next to her, feeling her breath against his skin! I'm a fool for not telling her, he thought. What if she didn't know? What if he only thought that she knew about his love? What if she had been waiting all this time as well for him to say something?

It happened fast. He closed his eyes for a second, as to focus, and took a deep breath. "I love you." Did he say it out loud? Yes, he did. He said it again, "I love you."

She must have been sleeping, because she didn't move. Instead he lay down next to her and took her hand, squeezed it gently so that she wouldn't wake up.

Poem of the day

2010-03-22T18:31:00.003+02:00

I am travelling through the universe
within my soul.
At times I feel I bear the spirit of everyone
who was here before.
The rivers I cross, I've crossed before,
The people I meet, I've heard them call my name.
Travelling through life, it is a journey in it self.
Done so many times by so many souls.
Is there really anything new to any of us?
The joy we feel, when did it start?
Whose smile was to break out to become my laughter?
Whose eyes watered to make tears run down my cheeks?
All the pain we feel, it has been heavy to bear for a long time.
All the happiness within, it has been running through our veins for centuries.
Don't worry. It doesn't end here, because it didn't start with you or me.
Follow the flow of the past and it will push you into the future.
Let your happiness run through somebody else's veins.
Bear your pain and you'll ease the pain of the centuries to come.
We are the spirits of those to come. We are the paths they will trace.

Spring, anyone?

2010-03-18T17:56:00.009+02:00

A few days ago I thought spring would be just far enough for me to start my usual springtime hobby, watching it progress through the lens. And then this day came along.

A couple of days ago it all looked good.

Today was a different story. Here comes the snow again...

It only takes a blue day

2010-03-09T21:36:00.004+02:00

Remember what I said about barely touching those dreams? Today I got to know I didn't catch one of them. So close, yet so far. The strange thing is, I did catch the other one last week. A dream of mine came true. And now - now I feel it doesn't lift me that high, after receiving news about losing the other one.

I know, that is the wrong reaction. But still it is a reaction, a spontaneous feeling. And as we all know, I treasure those the most.
Today, though, after letting everybody that matters to me know, I have received some words on the road. Since I have managed to pull myself upwards somewhat because of them, I'll share them with all of you. Maybe some words will make somebody else stronger as well.

About loss:
- When it hurts the most, that's when you are the closest to achieving great things. (my brother)
About self-esteem:
- Think of yourself as when you were at the highest of your highs, never of when you were at the lowest of your lows (my brother)
About hitting the bottom:
- You need to hit rock bottom to be able to move upwards (my friend and ex-colleague)
About destiny:
- Losing a dream only means that something even better is waiting around the corner (my friend)
About other people's perceptions:
- Soon somebody will see your true spirit (my former boss)
About belief:
- There is no limit for when to stop trying. Try again and again until you reach your goal. (my brother)
About G&T's:
- Sometimes you need one, sometimes you need a few. Have as many gin & tonics you need. (my brother)
About easing the pain:
- Can I ease the pain with a Jazz club event in London? (my friend, the light of my life)

Yes, thank you, all of you. It only takes a blue day to be reminded of the love I'm surrounded by.

Catching dreams

2010-03-03T19:07:00.002+02:00

I am almost touching two of my dreams right now. You know the feeling? It is like almost feeling it, like having it touch the tip of your fingers just enough to know you want it. That's how close I am right now. This week will probably tell, whether I stretched out enough or whether I need to keep working on it.

Catching dreams. Sometimes it feels so real, so close. Sometimes again, it feels further away than ever. Almost so far that you start wondering, was it ever there for you to have?

I often spill out my theories of life. Here is one again. I do believe there are certain milestones we are supposed to pass on our path through life. Others we might dream of, but they are not along the route. I often wonder, what my milestones are like. Am I dreaming about the right things or am I dreaming along a path that is not mine? On the other hand I believe that when it comes to fulfilling who we really are, we must be on the right path. Why would it otherwise make us so happy?

Quotes and thoughts

2010-03-02T21:40:00.004+02:00

I like quotes. For me a good quote is a short piece of text that is easy to remember and that makes you think, laugh, feel - react in some way, and that you want to share with others. Today I found this thought in the blog of Paulo Coelho:

Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.

I look back just a few years and I can see how I for some time let my wounds turn me into something I was not. I see it happening in people around me, in friends, loved ones. We sometimes seem afraid of life itself. Afraid of tomorrow and the day after that. Being afraid we close the curtains and choose not to look out the window. We will keep ourselves safe by doing so, but we will also keep away the light.

So yes, it is a good quote. There are a few other quotes that I really do like. One (actually quite a few) that I have borrowed a few times to use in this blog is by Mahatma Gandhi who said:

Be the change you want to see in the world.

It does make me think 'Yes. Yes we can.' Oops, that was another quote. Another beautiful quote by the same man:

A living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.

Winston Churchill was a wise man:

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

They don't need to be that serious, though.

Please send me your last pair of shoes, worn out with dancing as you mentioned in your letter, so that I might have something to press against my heart.

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Francesco Petrarca:

Her way of moving was no mortal thing
but of angelic form: and her speech
rang higher than a mere human voice.

A celestial spirit, a living sun
was what I saw...

Oscar Wilde:

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes.
That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

Oh yes, I'm almost there myself, judging by the rouge.
Have a good thought and a good night.

Dreaming

2010-02-22T23:03:00.003+02:00

I had a wonderful dream last night.

My first notion is I am at the bottom. The bottom of a sea, a river, something. My chest touches the ground and I feel it being wet and cold against the skin. I get the urge to push myself upwards and I do. I am suddenly up in the air, flying. I move around easily, knowing exactly how to move to get forward. I see beautiful mountains on both sides, water below. In the middle, paradise birds. I see huge flowers growing at the side of a mountain. I move closer to them and see the flowers, beautiful and white on the outside, with a yellow core on the inside, holding a liquid. I stretch out, place the flower in my hand like it'd be an oyster, and drink from it. It tastes sweet. I feel so happy! I feel so free! I continue flying, with the most beautiful sceneries around me.

I am not much of an artist when it comes to drawing, but if I would draw a picture of my dream, it would be myself flying with my chest towards the sun, with beautiful birds around me, and I'd be stretching out to the flower, placing it gently in my hand.

Sweet dreams.

This is my heaven

2010-02-17T22:06:00.003+02:00

Today I stumbled into heaven.
Suddenly it was there, like the blue sky appearing
as I open the curtains.
Jovanotti - so many of my memories, dreams, sentimentalities are within his music.
But this - Dove ho visto te - was a gem hidden from me, until now.

Enjoy the lyrics. Enjoy the tango. This is love. This is life. This is passion. This is my heaven.

E c'è una parte della mia città
Che assomiglia a te
Quella dei bar con fuori i tavolini
E del silenzio di certi giardini
E c'è una parte della luna
Che assomiglia a te
Quella dove si specchia il sole
Che ispira musica e parole

It would have been perfect

2010-02-16T21:09:00.003+02:00

She watched him as he made a perfect table in the snow.
Real cups. She had never been drinking out of a real, ceramic cup outdoors. He put so much effort into all of this.
She almost felt sorry for him. If she'd only been the right one for him. If he'd only been the right one for her.
It would have been perfect.

The ginger bread he had made himself.
The spot was perfectly chosen. The landscape was like out of a dream.
What if - she suddenly thought
- What if somewhere else, miles and miles away from them
Two people were sharing a picnic
In the perfect scenery,
with the perfect real ceramic cups.
But still it was not right?
Maybe one of them
was supposed to be
with one of us? she thought.

It made her sad as she smiled to him.
(For so badly she wanted to smile to someone else)
For what could seem so perfect to someone watching from a distance
Could be so wrong to the one close.

The ginger bread tasted like heaven
And the fact that he'd made it
was making it worse.
As she turned away for just a second
She used the back of her hand to wipe a way
Tears.

The great aching sky

2010-02-10T15:53:00.002+02:00

Yes, David definitely did it again, managing to make an album that is just perfect.

I gazed so hard into the great aching sky
It seemed that I，

I wasn’t here no more
That my rushing blood was a river
My eyes two stars
My blowing hair all a quiver
A whispering field of grass
That murmurs as you pass

(From Kathleen)

Poem of the day

2010-02-02T21:36:00.002+02:00

Go on.
Turn me around 'till I
keep spinning by myself.
Like a thousand fires reaching for me
I am getting burned.
And still
I reach out for more.
No.
I run for it.
Rather being burned than feeling nothing!
For my agony has become my fix.
Go on.
Bend me over 'till I
feel my fingers touch the floor.
Like a thousand oceans I am swallowed
In the depth of cold waters.
And still
I open my mouth and breath.
No.
I drink from it.
Rather drowning than feeling nothing!
For my torment is now my escape.
Go on.
Turn me around 'till I
keep spinning by myself.

Fugitive

2010-01-29T14:31:00.002+02:00

I admit. I cannot help myself. David Gray is a must have, and therefore I had to get myself a copy of the quite fresh album Draw the Line (and somehow John Mayer just popped into that same basket..oops.).

If there is one artist with an amazing voce, it definitely is David.

The new album is fabulous, based on what I've heard so far. It will for sure be one of the gems in my collection of music for the soul.

Fugitive is excellent, have a listen.

Maybe it will be magic for them as well

2010-01-27T22:57:00.003+02:00

She closes the door behind her, still with a smile on her face.
They didn't see it, she knows that. She saw it, they didn't. She felt the magic in the moment, they didn't.
For a short moment of time she felt sad.
Alone.
What if others would never see the magic as she did? What if nobody would ever sense that moment when everything stands still for a fraction of a second? When the whole world stops and seems to be glowing?
It was in her words and it was in his eyes. And still she's sure he didn't notice.

She had tried to explain, even though she knew it was in vain. She felt a bit stupid, like always, when trying to explain how she saw it. She felt like they'd stare and think "She sure is a luny". This time it was all the same, except for that smile in his eyes.
Maybe he felt it too, she thinks.
Maybe someone else will start to see the world as I do.
Maybe it will be magic for them as well.

Song of the day: Earthtone's Back to life. Be sure not to miss Brad Doggett's fab music.

Give me that soul, Paloma

2010-01-26T09:16:00.002+02:00

The Paloma of the day (does sound like some kind of recognition, doesn't it?) needs to be posted right now.

My legs are weak by Paloma Faith. If this song can't bring you that feeling that places itself in the limbs, weakening them all one by one, that languor that in so many ways is more enjoyable than anything else, then I think nothing will.

Paloma does it for me. I find myself in a state of unrest, but one that I like to stay in.

Days like these and moments like those

2010-01-25T23:22:00.002+02:00

Days like these.
So far away from moments.
(Moments like those)
That made us catapult up in the sky
(And the grass drew maps on our bare backs as we lay there)
That made us feel heavy.
Remember those nights?
(When I could feel your breath on my neck and still none of us moved, nor uttered a word)
They were full of those moments.
And still we are waking up every morning
to a day like this.
(How many universes could we fit in between?)
Feeling fine, feeling content.
Yet having the notion someone pushed the fast forward.
Feeling fine, feeling ok.
Yet so many glasses emptied in between.
So many smiles flashed.
(On days like these it's more in my face than ever)
As it's becoming quite clear.
Days like these, they will never be made of moments like those.
(Please don't make me wake up just yet)
(I want to squeeze these sheets in my fist for some longer)
(Because the memories are in these scents)
(And at times I feel like being pulled back in)
(And at times I'd like to let go)
(At times I know and it makes me anxious)
(How much longer?)

And the beauty is in the lense

2010-01-21T18:03:00.009+02:00

Vietnam.

Universal truths

2010-01-18T14:14:00.001+02:00

- People will ultimately get the same revelations, come to the same conclusions. Even on their own.

I looked at the man who had just answered a question I had had on my mind, even though I never said anything about it.

- They are universal revelations and no one can claim them as their own, no one can be the author of them.

I knew what he meant by saying so.

- It just is what it is, and eventually people will see the same kind of reality.

He looked at me and nodded.

- Yes, that is exactly it! It is what it is. The paths might be different, but still we can arrive in the same place.

I was happy to get the answer to that question that had been lingering on my mind for a few days. The terror in thinking that all that had grown inside of me for a few years actually had just been adopting a mindset. But what he said made perfectly good sense. Those revelations, thoughts, conclusions where not for anyone to claim. Universal truths, for all to see and nobody to own.

I've found it very easy to love

2010-01-18T07:04:00.003+02:00

- I wish people would just turn the focus to the inside instead of focusing on external things. They would all be better off.
It was easy for me to agree on that point, it was what I had been trying to do, more and more, over the years.
- It all starts with love. To just give love, but I guess it is not that easy.
- On the contrary. Giving love is the easy part, I've found it very easy to love.
He looked at me and said "I know".
- That is why I approached you. It was obvious to see that you radiate love. With that smile, from ear to ear!
I felt a tear taking its shape in the corner of my eye, it grew bigger and rolled over the tip.
- I'm sorry, your words make me happy, but they also touch me deeply.
Now my tears were running down my cheeks. I felt a wave inside me, pushing feelings upward from my gut. I often had felt like radiating love, it was like an eternal stream, always either coming in or going out. It felt very moving that someone else could notice it. It made me feel more sane about it.
His eyes filled with tears as well.
- Now I'm crying as well, so here we have it.

It was the early hours of afternoon and there we were, in the sun, with our souls touching.

New beginnings 2

2010-01-01T10:14:00.003+02:00

I've always found it interesting, the thought of dividing time into bigger and smaller entities.
A year is such a big entity of time that it surely needs to be celebrated. At the same time,in many ways, it offers us possibilities to start over.

So do I want to start over this year? In some ways, maybe, in others not. 2008 for me was about change. 2009 has clearly been about digging deeper, about strengthening the core, about bringing depth to the shallow. I have enjoyed the year that went. Even if it has been a more stable one than the one before. Then again, a wave cannot be a wave if there is no change in its shape. Maybe 2009 gave me the rest I needed after a turbulent time in my life.

2009 has been all about dancing, and I have enjoyed it immensely! All those steps on high heals, all the times when having my back hurting from keeping the posture - it has been worth all of it! Dancing is one of the best ways to feel totally free, to feel totally connected to the self as well as to your partner. Yes, it has been a treat, 2009.

2009 also made me feel like some people were slipping away, like water running between my fingers. Therefore 2010 will be about keeping my loved ones close, not letting them slip.

Last year I said I'd go into this year with my senses sharpened, with my chest turned towards the sun.

This year I will do my best to see the beauty in what's around me, to open up my senses to what is below the surface, to breath in love and compassion and to breath out unrest.

As for New beginnings 1, step here.

Happy New Year!

Resolutions

2009-12-25T11:25:00.002+02:00

A new year is knocking on the door again - how did that come to happen so soon?

As always I reach out for the new year
as a child waiting for Christmas.
Full of anticipation,
anxious to see what's to come.
I want to close my eyes and do no peeking
but I am too curious to succeed.
Oh if I only could
be shown a glance of what is ahead!
Just a few moments of what is hiding
behind the curtains of 2010!
A new year and new resolutions.
Those I am glad to make.
Not to take the chance to grow would be stupid,
since making progress is one step on the way.
So I hereby solemnly declare
that next year will be one of love.
I will overspend, I will give all that I have
And maybe get some coming back again.
I will do my all to be kind
To set example for the best of my own.
I will try to be humble in front of life,
I will laugh from my heart and cry from my soul.
I will stay open to what life has to give
and constantly give of myself.
In return I will not ask for anything
but gladly take what's offered instead.
Good or bad, joy or sorrow,
for this I know -
it'll all be a chance to grow.

Best of luck for the coming year - keep loving in 2010!

He felt his blood rushing in his veins

2009-12-18T21:27:00.002+02:00

He watched her raise her eyebrow at some random guy passing their table. She gave him a vague smile as she lifted the cigarette to her lips.
- Do you have to flirt with everybody? He regretted his question as soon as it had made its way over his lips.
- Why do you care? she asked.
A fair question. Why did he care, really. She was not his girlfriend, never would she probably be. That time was long gone.
- I don't know. I just don't like it.
- You should know me better. She sounded tired. - Flirting is what comes naturally for me. It's like a hobby. I kinda like it.
Yes, that he knew. He kinda had liked it as well when they first met. He still remembered how he had reacted to her smile that night. She kept turning half way towards him, playing with the straw from her drink, watching him like it would be against the law, carefully, so that no-one noticed, just him. Oh my God! He remembered the blood rushing in his veins! And he hated the thought of her making someone else feel the same! She had no right.

- Somebody could call you a slut for flirting with everyone passing by. Again he regretted his words as they came out. Why couldn't he just shut up?
He saw her eyes turn black. She was mad.
She looked at him, first without saying a word. Inhaling the smoke and slowly blowing it straight into his face she replied without any anger in her voice.
- I have slept with two men in my life. At 32 years you could hardly call that being a slut. She put out the cigarette and picked up her bag from the floor.
- Both men whom I loved, even though I sometimes struggle with knowing why.
He saw tears in her eyes. He had once again managed to make her sad. Without the intention. He just felt so hurt inside! It still hurt him that he'd lost her. It still hurt him that she now seemed to be too far away to ever come back.

He saw her walk away from the table and leaving the restaurant. He had failed to say goodbye. He had failed to say anything right.
Why? Why did he continuously push her away when everything he wanted was to put his arms around her and hold her close? He had no idea, Even his theraphist had suggested he didn't even want her back, that he was clinging to her for some other reason.
Of course not! That was a stupid thought to begin with!
He let his head fall into his hands and sighed. Calling her a slut! That was like offering peace, wasn't it? What an imbecile he was!

- Is this taken?
He heard a silent voice and as he lifted his gaze he saw a hand resting on the back of the chair next to him.
- Please, go ahead, it's not taken. He saw the red, polished nails and a hint of sweet perfume found its way to his nostrils. What was that scent? Sweet, yet so spicy ... His eyes started to climb the hand and the arm it was attached to. Red silk, so soft. The chin, the lips - red as well - the pointy nose, a set of blue eyes that looked like small lakes, sparkling from the moonlight.
She smiled and tilted her head a bit, just enough to set free a dark brown curl from her ponytail.

He felt his blood rushing in his veins.

Angels in my hair

2009-12-17T20:33:00.003+02:00

I started reading a book yesterday that I hardly have been able to put down since. It's too bad one has to go to work, otherwise I would have stayed up reading the whole night. I didn't even get as far as taking my coat off before already having it in my hand, reading, reacting. Within the first 10 pages I had already laughed and cried. So what is it, you say? Lorna Byrne's Angels in my hair.

Lorna says all she knows she has been told by the angels. I don't know whether I have had angels whispering to me, because many things are like reflections of my own soul and of how it has been developing during the past three years. So many things in the book I have felt - and it makes me feel I'm on the right path.

It is about love, it is full of soul. It is about reason and purpose. It is about loss. It is about having a gift.

Anyone who reads this book will discover that they are not alone, that there is always someone there by their side, to help them no matter what difficulties they are in. They will discover that they are loved unconditionally. Lorna Byrne

Frequently things we consider disasters – losing a job, a marriage break-up, failing an exam - are in fact miracles in disguise and years later when people look back at them, they can identify that this was a major turning point in their lives. Lorna Byrne on When things are tough.

Not such a bad thing, if you ask me. I'll leave you now. I'll have to get back to the book.

Human touch

2009-12-05T04:07:00.003+02:00

The touch of his hand lingers on my back
It reminds me.
Of hands seeking their way
Of fingers clinging
Of human touch.
For the first time I feel the lack of it
making me feel alone.
For the first time I notice there is a hunger for it
And I know it won't be gone
Before someone that is for real
touches me out of
love, lust or despair.

Your life must be all good

2009-11-29T22:31:00.002+02:00

"I need to tell you."
The man had returned to me after already taking a few steps in the opposite direction.
I looked at him. He had a smile that reached his eyes. I like that kind of smiles. Some people only smile with their mouth. He smiled with his whole being.
"You are a person that makes people really happy, just by being there." He was still smiling. I was a bit confused.
"Maybe it's just you that I have that effect on." I stumbled in my words as I tried to laugh the matter off.
"No, it's not just me. Your life must really be all good for you to be that way." He had no idea of how wrong he was. My life certainly was not all good. Not bad - but not all good either.
"I feel I won the game just because I'd seen your smile before I started." He was waving his tennis racket in the air.
"Congrats."
"Now don't go have an accident with your bicycle."
I mumbled something of an answer. The words came out in the wrong order. He now must think I'm foreign.
As I bicycled home, all I could see was that smile of his - always making me feel so happy.

Managing our micro-universe

2009-11-25T23:05:00.004+02:00

Almost a week ago I had the possibility to listen to this country's President speak. It is a person who is very down to earth, has a great humour, and
best of all, is humane. Humanity is something we'd need at the front line of many countries in this world, I'd say. The President said something like "We only have one life. We need to live it as we like to, we should not feel obliged to sell all of our time to an employer. There is more to life than work." The President was speaking of the importance of family.

In my mind, a thought started to shape. We all live our own lives and it is up to us to do our best in doing so. We can worry, complain and talk about the world around us, as if it was something we are no part of. It feels cold and wrong and too big to be changed by ourselves.

Well, we all know that a great forest can start from one little seed. Also an ocean has its first drop of water. Humanity is inside of us. A change for the better is inside of us. We are like micro-universes inside this macro-universe of ours. We can make great change starting from within. All we need is the ability to believe. Not even so much in the possibility to achieve greater change, but in the good that will come out of the change within ourselves.

We are the waves in that ocean. It won't move if we don't.

It's all about music

2009-11-23T21:47:00.007+02:00

So finally I get to the point: music.

I enjoy a lot of different kinds of music and that is a definite plus. During a couple of weeks I have had the luck to find some new sources of inspiration. It is an enjoyable mess, all together, but I'm sure there's something for almost everyone.

1. N.A.S.A.: Spirit of Apollo

Oh my. This album goes straight up to my all time top 5, and it doesn't even seem hard. 17 tracks out of which 17 are great! Top that! Great mixture of really talented featuring artists. The best example there is to give is Gifted with Kanye West, Lykke Li and Santigold. Others to mention on every track, but I'm going to settle with M.I.A., David Byrne and Tom Waits. Check out the videos as well (A Volta is excellent, even though so violent it's a bit over the top), many of them pure masterpieces.

Check out the official NASA here: http://www.youtube.com/user/officialNASA

2. John Mayer: Say

I started to dig into the new album of John Mayer (haven't we all waited for that!?), Battle Studies. I like Who Says, especially the video. Digging, I found the somewhat older Say. I especially like the lyrics and the part

"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open"

3. Melanie Fiona: Give it to me right

Here we have it all: the mood, the beat, the woman, the voice. I like the old style feeling, the smokiness, the sassy attitude. I feel like lighting a cigarette. Enjoy!

4. Bat for lashes: What's a girl to do

This is a bonus: It's all for the great video.

5. Venus: Beautiful Days

I heard this for the first time as part of the soundtrack of Hellsing. And I was mesmerized. There is a magic to the sound, it is undeniable.

Light

2009-11-22T11:35:00.006+02:00

It always fascinates me - light.

In mood for Violet

2009-11-20T19:57:00.006+02:00

I've got some good music coming (this week has been all about finding excellent beats and great sounds), but I'll have to save that for the next post.

The holiday season is coming up and that calls for some fancy clothing. I know, I am a natural-born shopper, but I also did feel like making the effort to dig into my grandmother's treasures and make something myself. Pics below. I hope my grandmother is approving my way of using her handmade lace. Well, it all went on smoothly so I guess her spirit didn't disagree too much at least.

Thanks grandma for the decoration!

Some say less is more, my mantra is "It's all in the detail".

I'll soon be back with some music!

This is it

2009-11-15T00:30:00.003+02:00

Tonight I was moved. To my soul, to the bone. I got the chills as I sat there. A feeling of intense movement within every inch of my soul. This is it. One man whose light was so bright that I am amazed if everybody couldn't see it. A soul so fragile, a mind so misunderstood.

Even through the screen it is showing so obviously well - a heart that is so filled with love that it oozes out.

For a moment I feel a bit sad. I´m not sure if the light can remain when the keeper doesn't? I just hope, hope that all that love, all that light has inspired others to find the light as well. A strength so great in such a fragile person. It is amazing.

Ain't it strange, life

2009-11-12T22:42:00.002+02:00

Life. Ain't it strange.
All those hopes we're living on -
Carrying us from day to day.
When to move and when to whisper
When to wait, when to shout.
How to know what's going to be
Beautiful.
How to see beforehand
Hurt coming.
Love and be loved.
It will hurt us all.
We will stumble, we will hold our heads high
We will fall.
When to stop and when to continue
When to go back.

How can we be right
when so many things can go wrong?
A fear of falling
keeps me from walking on the edge.
A fear of drowning
In my own tears.

And then again
It brings a smile to my face
Just thinking of the moments when
Hope
Words
Dreams
Scent
Touch
--
It all came together
As fingers cling
Entwine.

All in one moment.
It'll go on forever.

Yes.
I grasped for so many things
So many words shouted,
So many thoughts whispered.
Some of them heard, others
Forgotten.
Yes.
Life. Ain't it strange.
Sometimes like shouting towards the sea.
Words will be scrambled
And at times I hear them whispered back
to me.
Smudged.
Or even more beautiful.
Life.

Quote of the day

2009-11-08T22:17:00.001+02:00

To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.

Gandhi, obviously.

Loving, unselfishly

2009-11-08T01:26:00.003+02:00

Where do I start?

Do you know that warm, all conclusive feeling under your skin, around your heart and in your chest? That feeling of wanting to check if your skin glows from the light within? So that everybody around it can see? Yes, that is love. And just minutes ago I felt it strongly. Within seconds it filled my veins with a rushing feeling, almost like the feeling one gets from standing just a few inches away from the person whose hands one would like to feel on one's skin. Exhilarating, vibrating. I was shivering from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. Loving, unselfishly.

Love growing from the pure beauty of a soul speaking to another, from the amazing, yet invisible strings, that connect people to each other. From the magic of sharing thoughts, words, dreams. Yes, it doesn't take much to make love grow. Between ordinary things and ordinary days, it can be found in the shape of a golden seed, there to be spotted, if one looks carefully.

Who ever said that love, going in only one direction, would leave us miserable? Who ever it was, was wrong. Tonight I'm filled with a sensation of perfection. I feel satisfied, both in body and soul. From loving, unselfishly.

Love. What a beautiful force! And it's right there, within ourselves! Go on, waste it! Because the more you do, the greater it grows.

Snow

2009-11-07T01:26:00.005+02:00

Small pawprints in the snow, that is what my sweet little cat left behind her today, as the first snow covered a good piece of the landscape. She is not doing good and I worry she won't recover as fast as she should, making a little cat's life miserable.

I took a few shots of the first snow, as one is supposed to. Hope you like this one!

The man saw her walk towards him

2009-10-29T22:22:00.003+02:00

The man saw her walk towards him in the dark. She was stumbling over everybody's legs and bags and stuff.
He hated it when people came in after the movie'd already started. Like, who does that?
- Sorry... Her voice was soft as she whispered her apology to him. She was slightly bent towards him as she tried to find her way between the rows, letting her fingertips lead the way.
He could smell a wonderfully light scent in the air. Suddenly he felt intrigued. Who was she? What did she look like?

The scent was one he'd felt before. It was years since he'd seen the girl that wore that same scent. It was Euphoria, he was sure. It also was years ago since he had touched the girl that wore the same scent. God! Concentrate on the film! He was now annoyed with himself, actually. That girl was part of the past! Why was he still thinking of her?

The woman had found an empty seat just a few seats from his. He looked into the darkness to see what she looked like. Was she looking at him? He wasn't sure, it was too dark to be sure. For a few seconds his gaze returned to the screen. He tried to focus on the movie, but it was clearly gonna be impossible. They had enjoyed a few movies together as well. He remembered her head resting against his shoulder. He never knew whether she enjoyed the movies or if she just enjoyed to sit next to him in the dark. Oh that girl. She kind of never had left his thoughts. There was always something that reminded him about her. And now this woman. Damn women and their perfumes! He knocked over his popcorns of pure frustration! He felt the woman gazing towards him as he bent over to find the paper cone on the floor.

- Here, I'll help you,
There was the soft whisper, the Euphoria. The hand touched his as she gave the cone of popcorns, now half empty, back to him. And that's when it all stopped. There was no doubt.

Whatever works, Woody

2009-10-27T22:37:00.002+02:00

I love Woody Allen movies. I always have. And there seems to be a new one behind every corner nowadays.

It's not that long ago that we got to enjoy the fabulous combination of Woody Allen and Penélope. Vicky Cristina Barcelona was a great movie. Not just because of Woody, not just because of Penélope, not just because of Barcelona. But the combination of the three. It was magic and it was love at first sight.

Cassandra's dream was likable. Not one of the best, but definitely one to watch.

Match Point was excellent! It had it all! The beautiful actress, the setup, the dialog, the great plot. And as I remember it, the ending was the cherry on top. One of the best movies I've seen.

Scoop - not the best of the new Woody Allen movies, but not a bad one either. Hugh Jackman does make it a whole lot better.

Oh, I used to love Hannah and her sisters! I remember being like glued to the TV, mesmerized by all the talk, talk, talk!

Manhattan. I remember the last time I watched it, at two in the morning, it was perfect.

Now, the next one to watch for sure is Whatever works. Just have a look at the trailer and you'll see it's got Woody Allen written all over it. It's like in Vicky Cristina Barcelona where the first 30 seconds already gave away the great, familiar style of W. Allen. I can't wait!

Music for those sweet memories

2009-10-20T23:20:00.002+03:00

Natty's Bedroom Eyes encapsulating it all tonight.

And I am crossing the line here, I think it's the second time I'm posting the same fabulous song. Calleth you, Cometh I by The Ark. [And it's just how it is and how it's always been, it's where reason stops and something else comes in] Incredible that it's almost a year ago, give or take two weeks. I guess fall calls for The Ark.

That's how it is. Some things just never change and that's just the way it should be. I love these lyrics because they make me feel.

Enjoy. Have a listen. Feel.

Only very rarely

2009-10-10T12:49:00.002+03:00

Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future.

(Nobel Committee about their choice of Peace Prize award winner)

The critics say Obama hasn't done all that much yet, to be rewarded with a Nobel Peace Prize. Might be true. Sometimes, though, I believe intention is what counts. I am in full awe about this man and his ways of operating. The time was right for Obama, and never ever has the world been so globally affected by a presidential election. It was to be seen in his eyes, heard in his words; Finally a world leader with good intentions. Finally a man who not only wants to, but actually is giving hope. A man whose work shows an interest in the greater good.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

"Im not good for you"

2009-10-08T20:14:00.002+03:00

"I'm not good for you." He leaned onto the bar, making his tall body seem shorter.
I took a sip of my beer.
"What do you mean?"
I was eager to hear what he had intended.
Who was good for anybody, really?
I had no clue, whether this man would be good for me in the end, but I sure was intrigued by his ways.

I had met someone similar to him before. A man that wasn't shy about speaking about himself, about revealing everything. I guess that was what made me stand before them with my jaw dropping. For me it was something exotic, strange, even a bit scary. I quite liked it.

"I'm not gonna take you home. Not you, not any woman. Not before I have gotten all sorted out."
He was talking about his ex-girlfriend.
Yes, I knew he was not even close to being over her. It was written all over his face.
"I'm glad."
It was the truth.
"I'm not waiting for you to fall into any trap."
That was a lie. I had, in some way, waited for him to fall into my trap. Why? I wasn't sure. It must have been the mix of right and wrong that was written all over him. He was bad news, I knew that. And that's why I stood there, that Thursday morning, sharing a beer.

Dreaming of light

2009-10-08T00:39:00.005+03:00

I open the window and I see the light behind the dark clouds.
Comforting, in its way,
still too far away to light my soul.
Is it just me, or are those clouds there to stay?
Have I seen them move in either way?
I let my gaze drop.
It is somewhat painful to watch what I wanted for so long.
It is somewhat difficult to dream about something that might never be.
Still I do.
Still I believe.
Still I wake up every morning to tell myself that my patience will be rewarded.
Still I go to bed every night feeling empty.
Just to wake up to yet another morning.
Just to open the window to see,
whether those clouds have moved on,
or whether I will spend yet another day, dreaming of light.

Poem of the day - Inspiration by Zach Ashton

2009-10-05T21:27:00.005+03:00

So many So much

Ten years is a lot of days
With a lot of feelings
expressed in a lot of ways

All those things between you and me
Could we ever have guessed
what we would be?

And here we are, ten years later
With ten more years of life, all gone by, day and night
showing in our hearts, on our faces, in the colour of the hair.

A few wrinkles and a lot of gray
A lot of love and even more faith
As time goes by
we remain
The same.

And here I am thinking
What would your words be?
- my friend
- the one I wanted to love
- the one that loved me more
- the one that I stood by
- the one that stood me by
- the one whose soul I knew
inside out
- my soul mate
- the one with whom I shared so many songs
so many words
so many thoughts
so many
so much
--

If I could choose them words, I'd gladly be
- your friend
- the one you wanted to love
- the one that loved you more
- the one that you stood by
- the one that stood you by
- the one whose soul you knew
inside out
- your soul mate
- the one with whom you shared so many songs
so many words
so many thoughts
so many
so much
--

Yes, we made a few messes
We raised a lot of dreams
We twisted and turned on the way
But as deep as it is, I know it'll stay
And as I try to say
In so many ways
With so many words
So many lines
So many thoughts
So many
So much.
Thank you.

Broken embraces

2009-10-04T21:10:00.003+03:00

It's time for a few pearls. First, a movie, second, music.

Los abrazos rotos. I have always melted in front of Penélope. When combined with director Pedro Almodóvar you can be sure - magic will happen. Of course I had to see Los abrazos rotos. There was no other way. And it seduced me. It bent me over and it had me begging for more. It had it all, the characters, the music, the script, the mood, the styling. Ultimately, I didn't want for it to end. I wished it would have gone on forever.

Music. This is not my regular beat. I feel brave today. I feel brand new. I feel Beats and Styles featuring Justin Taylor.
Friend.

Love flowing in

2009-09-20T11:32:00.002+03:00

I spread my arms and turn my chest towards the light.
Oh, I never thought I would feel this -
Love flowing in.
I bare my soul to the sun
Knowing - this is when it happens
Love flowing in.

What did I do to deserve this?
That I don't know.
Who is that love coming from -
I'm not sure.

Still I let it flow -
Why stand in the way?
One day, I'm sure, it'll all be clear
My love will start flowing
In the same way.

Ready for fall?

2009-09-19T12:18:00.001+03:00

Yes, there's magic in this fall

2009-09-17T00:40:00.003+03:00

Of course it might be, that I'll fall flat on my face. But I'm ready to take the risk.

I have said it for a while now - I feel there are positive changes to come this fall. Or at least surprises, waiting around the next corner, or the one after that. I feel that I am in a good place right now. I feel I am supposed to be in this place, at this moment, right now.

I know. I have been dancing tonight. For a few hours, and that usually creeps under my skin. It makes me feel happy, it makes me want more of it. So maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Time will tell. For the moment, though, I feel content. And that is, if you ask me, already an achievement.

Tonight calls for some Pablo Neruda.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdida.

Good night y'all.

It took only a few seconds for my barriers to break

2009-09-10T00:55:00.003+03:00

The hour is late and I should be on my way to work in about seven hours. I still feel I need to put down my thoughts right now instead of just going to bed. I just came home after experiencing something that touched my soul deeply.

Only 15 minutes ago I stood on the sidewalk in the first storm of this fall, talking to a person that I really don't know that well. Yes, it's a person I've seen during a couple of years, but never actually spoken to. I mean really spoken to. Now I did.

It was a rare moment. Two people, one of them asking very clear questions. It took only a few seconds for my barriers to break. I opened myself to a person that straight on asked for it. At first I tried to avoid it. Why, I now ask myself afterwards. Why should I not open up to a soul that clearly is pure, to a heart that clearly is filled with love? I am now glad I eventually did. And what I got in return was a full view of this soul. Beautiful, fragile. I felt touched. Touched for having had the opportunity to be stopped, to be taken to the side. I would have walked past this otherwise. It makes me think - maybe there are a lot of things I have walked past without ever knowing.

See, I have a way of being cheerful and lively. It is who I am, but now I think it might keep some people away from me. Back to the point. I tonight saw a heart that was full of honest love and pain. How lucky am I to get to share this, I thought. That another person will take the time to break my barriers of joyfulness just to be able to open up to me. I feel blessed. I saw a soul that was much in the same place I was in a couple of years ago. Agonized by the mess that we call life, not sure which way to go, how to follow the right path. I finally saw the moment I have so clearly been approaching. My mouth opened and all the realizations I've had, all the thoughts that have been shaped, all the truths that I have found in my own heart - they all came out. It was like a waterfall, it couldn't be stopped. In the end, I felt like crying. My feelings were so close to the skin that just a touch would have broken my last barrier down.

Yes, it was true what I got told - I was talking to myself. All those words of wisdom were pointed at myself. I had just been waiting for the right person to come by, one that would ask for them. And maybe, hopefully, I had an effect on this person as well. Maybe I added something, healed something, or maybe opened up some path.

Now. What is left? Emptiness, because I won't need those words anymore, yet a newfound strength that I knew was in me, but that I didn't know how to release.
I'm not sure who to thank for tonight. But I sure am thankful for being pulled to the side.

We all have people in our lives that are there for a reason. Sometimes they are not that apparent. Open your eyes and look around. It might be the next person that looks into your eyes.

Poem of the day

2009-09-04T19:26:00.006+03:00

I said it yesterday and I felt it go straight to my head as soon as all the letters, one after another, had formed a sentence.
Am I lucky or what? (Are you?) To be living my passion. To be breathing, dreaming and being my passion. I believe this body was born to dance. And I am more than happy to have been given - yes given - a dance partner that will pull the best out of me. I cannot wait for Sunday and the new class. Let's see what we can come up with. You know, I always wanted to be a good dancer, and guess what? I really think I'm getting there. It can't be bad when it allows every cell of your body to stretch out in some kind of mental high. OK, it is not perfect yet, but that is not what's important. What is important is that this is what makes me feel alive, this is what makes me feel in love with life, this is what makes my soul blossom. This is how I'd like to be portrayed. As the one who dances from the soul. I never thought that would make me so happy, and here I am, dancing three times a week.

Isn't that enough for a happy existence? I believe it is.

And then, to the poem.
It is quite some time since the last one. It's because I have a heart that is neither broken nor sore. Sad but true, that is a fact that stops the flow. I'll give it a try anyway.

They now seem sweet
All those memories
Yet once they tore me into pieces
Now --
I don't know. Is it me? Have I grown? Have I evolved?
Or --
I just can't stop myself from wondering
every now and then
Whether things actually just did nothing less
but followed the path.
Yours and mine.
And sometimes I just can't do anything but -
I'm thinking
Whether we would have found ourselves
apart
shattered
broken
If things had ended like we wanted to
Instead of how we needed to.
I can't keep myself from asking
Whether my love for you would have
Stayed
or
Died
--
[Yes, it might be the wine, but how can we be sure? True feelings they come out eventually. Maybe they were just waiting for the bottle to be opened?]

It stayed and that should be our pride!
We kept the passion, the friendship.
We kept the music and the lazy mornings.
We kept the honesty and the warmth.
- And I'll be by your side forever!
- And you'll push me forward on my path!
[And the joy will stay as long as we are prepared to give.]

Yes, seeing the aftermath
It is quite clear.

The line was drawn beforehand, the steps were there
for you and me.

Losing

2009-08-29T19:52:00.002+03:00

First - I am not starting a trend of writing several times a day. I just found something beautiful, full of soul, that I wanted to share. Zach. Zach Ashton. Am I the last to know? Probably. Highly possible.

Anyhow. Zach. Joining the group of male singer-songwriters palying the guitar. Looking at the list on the right-hand side of this post, it doesn't take much to notice that it is a format that will catch my attention. Add growing up by the beach and we have a winner. What is it in that combination that gives me all those good vibes? Soul.

And Zach has a lot of soul. Click your way to http://www.zachashton.com/ and have a listen to Losing. I also like Oi Amor because of the obvious fact that I love Portuguese. But neither of those two was what caught my attention to begin with. It was Ocean.

Dreaming of snow

2009-08-29T09:15:00.003+03:00

I woke up early this morning. I opened my eyes and it returned to me - a little piece of my dream.

In my dream I woke up early in the morning. I opened the door and barefeet, I stepped out. It had snowed during the night. Everything was beautiful and white. Walking along the snow covered street, my bare feet felt no cold. I felt no cold.

Purity? New beginnings? Hope? Aspiration?
Contentment. Beauty.

Without knowing what to link this to, I stumbled (see, that is my main way of moving forward it seems, stumbling and drifting) onto two clips. Enjoy!

And magic returned

2009-08-25T23:53:00.003+03:00

The Gandhi quote of the day I find very suitable:

"A living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."

So this is how it always goes - you hear about a piece of good music and before you know it, it has lead you to magic.
I was lead, by the hand, to magic tonight.

(You'll like the guitar in this one)

You know, one of those lovely phone calls with the person who is just that close to your soul. It all feels nice and warm, cozy. You talk about this and that, about dreams and reality, about making dreams into reality, about music. The Beautiful Girls, he said. Yes, I felt that one. I felt it all. Thank you. And then I stepped further and stumbled. It took only one step, ending in a stumble, and there I was, ready to take it all on. Mat McHugh.

Is it just me being totally off? Does it ever happen to you like that, that you just feel your body open up and let the magic flow inside? That's what happened to me tonight. I'm sure I had the right mood anyway, feeling totally warm and fuzzy. And the magic returned to me. Suddenly you don't see walls and dark streets and the dishes that still are undone. You don't see the time and the hurry to get some sleep. You don't see work, you don't see people, you don't see obligations, you don't see vacations that already are planned but that don't fit into the calendar. You see energy, forming a circle around you, pushing away everything else. And you see it grow and you see it move like waves of an ocean. And you feel strong.

And you feel touched by magic.

That is what happened tonight. Not bad for an ordinary Tuesday. Tomorrow will be no ordinary Wednesday. No way.

Go to www.matmchugh.com and have a listen to Seperatista. If you hate ska, just take a leap when you hit that and move on to the next one. There are a lot of pearls on that album. I especially like Fall to pieces. And Loneliness. The first part of it is excellent. Then it continues, and magic happens.

Horizon 2

2009-08-21T23:06:00.002+03:00

It's about an hour ago since my last post. I don't care. I was reading my old posts and I found my heart. It was broken. And as I poured myself another glass of Chilean wine, I decided to do something, that could be unforgivable; I'm posting the same song for the second time.

Rachael Yamagata's Horizon. Last time I said it is in no hurry to get to the end, it fills its space and does not pretend in any way. Yes, all of that is true, and still it fills my heart with those forgotten sorrows, that only a soul-touching song, poem, touch can find. There is a sweetness to sadness. It is a feeling I enjoy in many ways, its softness. This very Damien Rice-ish female singer is worth taking a second listen to. Go ahead, feel vulnerable for a few minutes.

And when you feel for something more upbeat, here's how I stumbled over Rachael. Yes, it is the wonderful Jason "Bring your board" Mraz. I love that man.

Did you get my message?

The scent of autumn

2009-08-21T22:13:00.002+03:00

The garden of Versaille, one year ago.

This morning I felt the scent of autumn in the air.
Fresh and welcoming, yet making me feel a sense of loss.
I am not ready for fall yet.
I am not ready to give up all those things that I've attached to summer.
Long days and short nights.
Bare feet.
The sun warming my skin.
The waves rolling in.
Friends and strangers on their way home
at five o'clock in the morning.
All those 'good mornings' and 'good nights'
When the sky is light and some are waking up, having their breakfasts,
others are ending the day before.
Dreams that are just moments away from becoming --
Reality.

I want to hold on to my summer.
I want to feel the grass beneath my bare feet.
I want to keep the sense of dreams --
Coming true.

Summer. Don't leave me for a long time now.

Drifting

2009-08-09T19:41:00.015+03:00

It is the last day of my vacation and I'd rather spend it with nice people. My absence has a good reason to it - I spent 8 days on the northern coast of France. Beautiful, beautiful place. I made some notes along the way, and I'm here to share them with all of those that don't have any better things to do at the moment. I'll try to give you my view of a few days, spent on reflecting on life and myself, enjoying beautiful landscapes and the music of my mp3-player. I'll share a few photos as well. Today's music: Charlie Winston. Yes, the album Hobo is now in my possession :).

1 August, on my way.
Music: Vanessa da Mata & Ben Harper, Boa Sorte; Ben Harper, Lifeline

My journey has just started but I already feel a sense of calm finding its way into my soul. It might be the tunes of Ben Harper on my player, but I know it's also more than that. Above the clouds, in the midst of a blue sky, it is so much easier to see things for what they are. That might be one of the reasons for which I love flying. To get further away from my every day ways of thinking and closer to myself, to my soul, and maybe to the truth of life. I am still hours away from my destination, in my mind I am already forming dreams of destinations to come. I want to get to the dunes of Brazil. I want to feel the kite lift me up above the waves. Oh, dunes and kite boarding. Dreams that are yet to be fulfilled, but that easily could be just five months away.

I don't want to wait a lifetime, yours or mine. Ben Harper

2 August, Le Hourdel, France
Music: Marcelo D2, Eu tive um sonho

I got to the dunes. Rented a bike, checked the map and head off with my board, the bees wax, food for the day and my camera. Finally I found them! Rising above sea, beautiful and white. Behind the dunes I see them: the kite-boarders. My heart skips a beat. No - I say to it - you are not the heart of a kite-boarder, not just yet. I run up to the highest point of the dune with my board. I feel the wind in my hair and my heart pumps liters of blood into my veins. I step onto the board. Nothing. No movement. I jump onto it. It glides half a meter and the nose digs into the sand. My heart returns to the kite-boarders, so wild, so free. I cannot blame it. But I am just no ready to give up just yet.

Note 3 August:
After some hard work with the board I got it moving a couple of meters at a time. I must say this is not easy.

3 August, Le Crotoy, Fort-Mahon-Plage, France
Music: Jack Johnson, Adrift

Today I learned something about myself - I am a drifter. I drift from place to place - I feel that is my main way of moving. Is that a good thing or a bad one? I'm not sure. I get inspired so easily, by so many things. A change of direction doesn't acquire that much. Today I drifted on a bike. I was planning a trip to Le Crotoy. Then Marquenterre. I had trouble finding the beach of the latter one, which got me drifting. I continued pedaling. Soon I found myself one hour further, with the logic "Find the beach, then go home". I had become a beach-hunter, a woman with a mission, a woman that wouldn't give up. I felt the punishment already in my legs and arms, the sun burning my neck. I kept on. Fort-Mahon-Plage. The sign was a bit of a surprise. I had planned that much before - I would definitely not go as far a Fort-Mahon-Plage. But here I was. And what a beach! That was all worth the hard work! I counted to about 70 km today.

Drifting.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I am a firm believer of faith. I believe we have a starting point as well as an ending point, and some stops we're supposed to make in the middle. Places we're supposed to be in, people we're supposed to meet. In between - any kind of movement in any direction along the beach of life, leaving our own, individual imprint in the sand. Imprints that become the painting of our life. Mine is apparently made by drifting.

4 August, St. Valéry sur Somme, France
Music: Ben Harper, Paris Sunrise

I was up at dawn today, something I don't regret at all. I captured the most beautiful sunrise coloring the bay with a golden shimmer. I am two hours away from Paris, and still I feel Ben H is following me around on this trip along the Picardy coast. Paris Sunrise on my mind.

Today I sit on yet another beach, still sore from yesterday. As I watch the waves roll in over the pebbled beach, the first waves I've seen on this trip, a little friend lands on my arm.

6 August, St. Valéry, France
Music: David Gilmour, This Heaven

Yesterday I had a lot of thoughts on my mind. I guess being physically exhausted opens up the mind a bit wider. I overdid it again, I confess. Guilty as charged. I took a stroll along the channel. To Abbeville and back. After that 30 + km walk I could not bring myself to lift a pencil. The burn in my muscles reminded me of four years ago when I ran my first and since - last - marathon. During my long walk I started thinking about a man, more of a legend that a few years ago lived in my building. He was a walker. Walked day in and day out. Everybody knew him and all had their own story to tell, to add to his status of the legendary walker. All knew about him, but only a few lifted their hand to wave hello as he walked by.
So one day he was on his way out as I entered our building. For the few moments that I had him eye to eye I was blown away. I said hello and he responded with his. His voice as clear as that of a young boy's. His glance gave away the clearness of two ice-blue eyes, and I'll tell you, they were as lucid as running water. For a moment I wondered, who in fact it was that I had encountered. I was glad I did, though, just a short time afterwards he passed away. Leaving me with the feeling of having been let in on a secret.
That same feeling is easy to get when surrounded by beautiful nature, as I am right now. I just saw a seal, watched it turn in the sand, enjoying the morning sun. Today is a day of relax, I promise.

8 August, returning home.
Music: Citizen Cope, My way home

Lovely day

2009-07-27T10:28:00.006+03:00

"The main purpose of life is to live rightly, think rightly, act rightly. The soul must languish when we give all our thought to the body."

The Quote of the Day is, not surprisingly, on by Mahatma Gandhi.

Today I feel all good. Might be because I have reason to celebrate. Celebrate the sunny sky, the warm day, feeling remembered first thing in the morning, my fancy dress I'll wear today, the cake that I finished this morning, the excellent African coffee beans that made my espresso taste like gold, the joy that takes over my body cell by cell. Yes, it's a lovely day.

I am a bit ashamed of forgetting about introducing Wax Tailor properly, as I promised I'd do some days ago. I'll do my best to do that as well today. But first, have a look at the marvelous cake and the fancy dress!

Now you see why this day is special, right?

Anyhow - Wax Tailor. I have always loved when mixing and mashing different styles of music. On the right hand side of this page you have a list of artists, and many of these have been put there just because of that. Wax Tailor, alias Jean-Christophe Le Saoût, will be put on the top of that list for the same reason.

FULL SCREEN hosted by playlive.fm

I like the horns and the certain retro vibes of Wax's s tunes. For some reason I "see" his music in sepia. Say Yes is definitely one of my favs. And what is most exiting about Wax is that the music resembles a lot to another favourite of mine, Don Johnson Big Band. Check out Check the record from the latest album, it's awesome.

Here. The game you play, by Wax Tailor and even a bit more mellow, Going home by Don Johnson Big Band. Enjoy, folks!

Thank you Charlie!

2009-07-22T21:25:00.002+03:00

I was extremely lucky today. I guess. Remember Charlie from my previous post? Of course you do. Anyhow. I won two tickets to his show in London next week. Yeih!! Is that fab or what? Unfortunately I can't be there. Bummer. But don't you agree that it was sort of a lucky strike anyway? No, I am not being paid by the tobacco company...

So isn't that just great! Something else I consider great is the salsa this Monday. Oh God. Sometimes I feel I could die happy after having an hour of salsa. It is that overwhelming feeling of being as content as can be, of being one with - yourself - strangely enough.

So this week my regular partner was on vacation, but I covered my own back early on, making sure I'd have a partner anyway and wasn't gonna miss out on anything. And a partner I got. Yes! You cannot believe the amount of energy - positive energy - that fills my blood vessels when everything falls in place! And this partner really got my blood rushing! I think we are a perfect match - at least on the dance floor. We did not manage to do the perfect salsa just yet, it takes me a few more minutes than 60 to get used to a new partner, but somehow I felt that the energy was flowing in the same direction with the same speed within, through and around these two bodies, merging to the rhythms of a great salsa.

And the best thing with a new partner is that you actually get the possibility to learn so much since the things are done in a different way than what you're used to. Different steps, different way of communication. Ah. No wonder I love dancing so much, it really is communication. Nonverbal.

And yes, that is confirmed by Wikipedia.

Go get me in that mood, Charlie

2009-07-17T23:49:00.002+03:00

Thank God for slow summer days at the office. If it wasn't for today's slow pace, I would probably not have found Charlie.

Oh Charlie, you make me feel like having a drink. A strawberry daiquiri. And as I lay back in my relaxation, I drink those southern vibes, letting them linger on my tongue together with the melting ice from my drink. It takes a world full of resistance to keep myself from tracing an imaginary stocking with the cold metal of the spoon. I can feel it anyway, behind my closed eyelids. Cold metal slowly tracing its way from the ankle, up towards the thigh. Sweet surrender.

Charlie Who? Sorry. Charlie Winston.

Since I rarely watch TV and as rarely listen to the radio - it is nowadays hard to say for me if what I suddenly "found" has been there forever or if it's just bubbling. It's the same with Charlie. So for those who have known him "forever", please bear with me.

Anyhow. Enjoy this clip to get what I'm so psyched over!

Charlie Winston - In Your Hands (official video)
by ATMOSPHERIQUES

And an extra treat:

I actually found something else today as well. Love. In shape of a French Hip-hopper. Wax Tailor. But that's for another post. (Ok, if you can't wait, just click that link and listen to Say Yes).

Update on my friend the hedgehog

2009-07-15T11:21:00.002+03:00

So I met my friend the hedgehog again. This time I was, again, in company of my cat, who never wants to miss out on an adventure.

She sat steadily next to me in silence.

"When he comes closer, don't make any sudden moves" I told her. "And stay quiet. He's so little he might be scared off."

My cat looked at me with her wise eyes. I never get over the feeling of that there's so much more to her than the animal. Like the wisest person inside a body of a cat. Anyhow.

The hedgehog felt brave this evening. He came running - yes, running! - towards us. I talked to him gently.

"How are you, little one? You are in such a hurry!" He ran and ran and stopped just half a meter in front of me.

"MEOW" said my cat. Loud and clear. Off went the hedgehog.

"What was that?" I asked her.

"He got scared. See, he doesn't know you yet so he might be a bit frightened."

I looked away from the cat and looked for the hedgehog. There he was again, running again, coming towards us. My cat got bored. Her eyes said "Been there, done that. He won't get over it."

But she was wrong. My little spiky friend came closer again. My knees hurt, so I had to stand up. He got scared, turned around and ran a meter in the other direction. Then he got enough of courage to again try to come closer. This time he didn't stop before he was just by my feet.

"Raf, raf" he said and lifted his nose up in the air.

I noticed that hedgehogs' eyes don't sparkle at all.

"What did you say, little friend?". I didn't know that hedgehogs spoke. To humans.

"Raf, raf."

He repeated his statement and looked at me again with black eyes, and continued his run.

I wonder what that was supposed to mean.

Law of attraction

2009-07-10T17:42:00.002+03:00

Ok, here we go. I have thoughts upon thoughts in my mind right now, so excuse me for the lack of structure in this post.

For anyone who has read my posts during the past year it has been evident that I've gone through a transformation within. I've come closer to the core of myself, and at the same time I have felt closer to the greater meaning of life. I've been lucky enough to look at life from a different perspective than before, pushed into it by life-altering experiences. All this time I have felt so blessed.

Today I sat down after work and watched a TV-show where the subject was the law of attraction. I was very early on in life thought by my brother that it always speeds up the realization of dreams to visualize what we want. He always told me "First visualize it, then act like it, then be it." The TV-show of today, how ever, gave some new thoughts on the law of attraction as well as created new thoughts in my simple mind as well. For example, and this is quite clear, positive thinking will attract positive things. A definite yes from me. Visualize what you want, say it out loud or write it down - it will come to you. And in connection to that - and here's one of my ahaa's - if you hang on to something, wishing for it more than anything, holding on to it with your teeth - it won't come to you. We need to be able to wish for something, visualize it happening, and then release it. Wow! I'm with them on this.

We've all surely experienced the moments when we say something out loud, and then it just happens within minutes. Like saying "Why can't I find a paper clip when I need it?" and there it suddenly is, in front of you, or as I once experienced, pushing my luck further when something came up seconds after asking, asking for even more - and the same thing there - it just happened. I was really blown away - two things, small but still, happening like by pushing a button. Why do small things happen when we wish for them, but big things won't? I have my theory on this: Could it be the small things are coming true in order for us to keep our faith in bigger things?

Then again, bigger things have come true, sometimes just to fade shortly. Like life would be saying: You asked for it so here you have it, but it ain't right for you. Maybe we sometimes "get there" too soon, when we aren't really ready or when the circumstances really are not in place. Like a year ago I got the job of my dreams - the job I always wanted to have. (Not to forget the job I had at the point was the best thing ever, even though I'd never known that beforehand). And what was the outcome? I soon realized that what I had dreamt about almost for a lifetime, really was not what made me happy.

I believe there are big things ahead of each and everyone of us. Things we never knew to dream about, but that will make us more fulfilled and happy than anything else. I believe there is a plan for all of us. Like stations we will visit to leave our mark on our own or somebody else's life. The path to and between those stations are filled with our dreams and our struggles to achieve them, but no matter if we do or we don't, we will get to those stations. [Because it's written].

Sorry. This must be a mess to read. See it as my mindmap. (Just as well-organized as my mind:)

I need to say one more thing.

The Hedgehog
A few nights ago I was outside watering the flowers around my parents' house. I was talking to my cat (she makes me so happy) as she was following me around, trying to help in her own way. There was a hedgehog moving in the same circles as we did, and a couple of times it looked at us, clearly wanted to spend some time with us, but too shy to really do it. Well, maybe another night.

Anyhow. It didn't take me long to notice that everytime I spoke, the little nozy thing approached me. When I stopped talking, it moved away again, like frightened of its own courage to come closer. I did test it a few times and there's no doubt. I reasoned: It must be that my mother who sometimes gives the hedgehog some treats, must be talking to the animal whilst coming closer. So "the hedge" maybe thinks I'm my mother and thinks I'll feed it. So I asked my mother about it. No, she said, I never talk to him, I might scare him away.

Tortellini in Piazza Santo Spirito

2009-07-05T20:56:00.003+03:00

My favourite dish at the most beautiful location.

The hour was late and the day of arrival had been a hot one. The location was close to the apartment and close also to one of my all-time favourite spots; Giardino di Boboli.

There is a magic to Florence that I probably never will grasp. It entered my heart 10 years ago and now I can't escape it - neither would I like to.

So back to the location. Piazza Santo Spirito. Beautiful. I remember the scent in the air. A scent of night. A scent of home. The course was served. It was a piatto of Tortellini alle uova di pesce, A wonderful plate of tortellini with roe in a white sauce. A piece of heaven on a plate. After that I have had the chance to be served a great amount of dishes, one more extravagant than the other, but without really finding a match. I admit, the location had much to do with it, but still...

And what was it that took my heart and soul back to la bella Firenze this early evening? Well, today I set myself a goal. I decided to get myself an apartment in Florence at some point, let's say within 10 years. And checking the prices it doesn't seem to be a mission impossible. Would that be a treat or what! From me to myself, with love.

The beauty of life part 2

2009-07-01T23:01:00.003+03:00

You know it only takes fractions of seconds to discover the beauty of life when it passes you by. You have surely seen that in my earlier posts. So from what direction is the wind blowing today, you might ask? I'll tell you. This day - or actually a whole week of it - has been great. I've been moving through the bad stuff like a drunk. Closing my eyes to it - why block the sun when it's out again?

I'll tell you about the beauty of life. Again. Part 2.

On Saturday morning I was making my way home from an excellent night out with my crew. It was half past three in the morning and the sun was still up, it looked like half past three in the afternoon. It coloured the city beautifully! And as I enjoyed my walk in my suede boots, I got accompanied (I'm still quite sure it was the boots) by someone I'd never met before, but a nice new acquaintance. Chatting away about this and that, laughing because of the late hour, the marvelously beautiful sky and the sun that never set that night. That is the beauty of life, part 2, lesson 1.

On Saturday evening the total coincidence occurred: I met my new acquaintance again. A few more minutes of chatter and laughter. Beauty of life, part 2, lesson 1b.

On Monday evening it was hot like no day before. I was unsure, but I finally came to my decision: Yes, regardless of the heat I would enjoy a good hour of salsa. And wow! Was I happy to have made that decision or what?? We were awesome, me and my partner, we were like two flamingos on that dance floor! The evening was hot but so were we. Sometimes I wish one really could see oneself when in one's true element. I'd like to know whether I look the way I feel - filled to the maximum with pure joy! Beauty of life, part 2, lesson 2.

Today: Yet another hot day and a not too inspiring one at the office. I decided to head for a nice cup of coffee after work. It didn't take too long before I again was accompanied by a fellow world-citizen. Two hours of exchanging thoughts about culture, politics, travelling, work, tipping. You name it, we covered it. It was refreshing and enlightening in many ways. Beauty of life, part 2, lesson 3.

Then later on in the evening, great to meet up with some friends at the gym, I had an excellent workout and now I feel the beauty of life in both body and soul. Beauty of life, part 2, lesson 4.

I thought it would stop there, but then I read this post and realized that shiny happy people spread joy the best :) And that's the beauty of life part 2, lesson 5.

So enjoy life today, here's a cookie for everyone!

Let the music play

2009-06-27T20:04:00.003+03:00

Sun is up
You know its hot
No sense in worrying
About what you aint got
Talk is talk action is action
Just tryin to find my soul
Some satisfaction

That's of course G Love with Ben H. Have a listen.

That's what is playing today and it just makes me so happy. Because the sun is up and it's a beautiful, sweat-dripping day. And as the tunes of "Lemonade" fill my apartment, I realize, in 4 days it's exactly one year since that magical day, when G, Ben and Jack blew me away in London. Oh my God - it might feel a bit corny, but that truly was the happiest day in my life. I have never felt that kind of fulfillment - ever. And when I caught myself thinking, watching G, "I got what I came for", before even having seen the tip of Jack's flip flops, I knew it was too late to return to anything before falling for G.

Anyhow. It's a beautiful day. Let's enjoy it.